We've done all the sifting. We trudged through 100s of garbage tweets, all to find these hilarious beautes. If these don't bring a tiny lil' smile to your face, you've got serious issues, buddy. These are cream of the Twitter crop, so you best be grateful.
1. I would love, more than anything, to be able to ignore people more effeciently.
iPhone neeeeeds an update where an incoming call doesn't take up the whole screen so you can do other things while you're ignoring a call-- minaaa (@aminax0xo) June 22, 2018
2. Someone start a petition.
In my opinion this is what the letter O should always look like, regardless of font pic.twitter.com/y1LRxMi3z0-- Zach Dunn (@ZachBDunn) June 28, 2018
3. And I'm here to introduce you to 'Mowing The Lawn'
Hi. I'm Dad. You may know me from "Because I Said So!," "Turn Off The Light/Shut The Door!" and the classic "Only Daddy Can Use That Word!"-- TheAlexNevil (@TheAlexNevil) May 10, 2017
4. Love how they so easily & casually owned up to it.
I am dead pic.twitter.com/7YyS6LZbm8-- rick snip (@kaitlinbstevens) June 28, 2018
5. Wait. Damn, ok yeah this is fucking me up too.
Had a joint with my mate and she said "mad how the brain named itself" and I've fully had to come home and go to bed-- Scarlet (@ScarletWLand) June 22, 2018
6. Drake please sing this for us. Make this actually happen.
This new Drake song is 🔥🔥🔥🔥 pic.twitter.com/SyGd3bBCwH-- popular comedy account "the pixelated boat" (@pixelatedboat) June 29, 2018
7. Hamster owners: I only had 13 dollars and im too slow at catching house mice so here's this
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he's my everything and all-- Kaycee ★ (@vanillavial) June 27, 2018
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
8. Saving this idea for Valentine's Day.
just a little midnight snack :) pic.twitter.com/YJGzk6giKx-- Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) June 29, 2018
9. The filet mignon of the divorced dad menu.
divorced dad: come over im cooking dinner pic.twitter.com/H8F5B0qyet-- gary from teen mom (@garyfromteenmom) June 29, 2018
10. If only they had waited just a bit longer.
Green Day really wasted American Idiot on that other guy-- Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) June 28, 2018
11. He is our idol in the skinny white guy community.
I was sexually confused by jack skellington growing up so yeah Ive dated many skinny white guys.-- Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) June 29, 2018
12. Well which is?
Once I told me ex to slap my face during sex and he said he didn't wanna hurt me, but then cheated on me so I'm confused-- fructose mama (@HellolmSammi) February 22, 2018