Though I'm sure you are fully aware by now, we are firmly in an era of Twitter where brands roast the shit out of us customers, and we all love it and so now brands do it nonstop.
When did brands start dunking on everyone on Twitter? Windex just called me a dumb bitch.-- Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) December 18, 2017
Sensing these winds of change, Pop-Tarts readjusted their sails to join their fellow brands, and profit off the sweet sweet RT's and faves. The result of their efforts is this tweet, which is truly baffling in everyway:
Calm down it's a virgin like you. pic.twitter.com/QdrxGG6tKI-- Pop-Tarts (@PopTartsUS) July 10, 2018
"Calm down it's a virgin like you".
This is not a tweet aimed at anyone. Nobody tweeted @PopTartsUS and was like "SUP FUCKS your Brown Sugar Cinnamon Tarts taste like SHIT" and then Pop-Tarts had to step in and be like "listen up asshole if you come for the king you better not miss" and then knock them down a couple pegs.
No. It is an out-of-nowhere promotion for their insane looking split personality Pop-Tart, NEITHER HALF OF WHICH is daquiri flavored, by saying like the daquiri it is inexplicably dipped in, we all are virgins.
The Pop-Tarts Corporation called us all virgins.
So much legwork was done here in order for Pop-Tarts to toss themselves this alley-oop to dunk down on all of their customers for no reason.
The daquiri being there is a significant walk to take. I mean yeah half of the Pop-Tart is frosted strawberry, and it's a strawberry daquiri but c'mon guys, jesus.
And hey listen, I'm all for brands dunking on people when the people deserve it. And honestly, we've now gotten to a point where clearly people are going out of their way to get roasted.
Why does Pop-Tarts need to suckerpunch my innocent ass on Twitter when people horny to get owned like this exist?
Also something to be inferred here is that Pop-Tarts as a company fucks. Stands to reason if they are making fun of us all for being virgins, that Pop-Tarts is not, and fucks a lot. Which is important actually, because I refuse to eat toaster pastries from any corporation that doesn't fuck hard and often.
Of course this viral roasting isn't complete without another third tier brand crawling out of the woodwork to chime in with a high five so that everybody remembers to buy their product too.
LMAO savage-- SunnyD (@sunnydelight) July 10, 2018
Thank you, Sunny D. As if being called a virgin by a breakfast pastry was not enough, now an orange colored drink has stepped atop of me, offered me their hand to pick me up, and then 'SIKE'd me and used that hand to comb their hair.
Please brands on Twitter, be careful with this insane power you for some reason currently wield. Somehow the line between promoting your insane weird products to us and cyberbullying us is blurrier than ever and I would appreciate not living in a dystopia where I wake up every morning and have to dodge Papa John's calling me fugly.