1. This would be the dream.
me, at a club: do you take requests?-- maxx danziger (@MaxxSIO) July 15, 2018
DJ: yeah what's up
me: *slides over $10* please turn it down
2. Well....he's not WRONG.
my drunk ASS boyfriend just asked me "whos the handsomest man in the world" and i said "uh.. you?" and he goes "false its fucking Ryan Reynolds"-- dylan (@dylanceeee) July 14, 2018
3. Empathy for fellow service industry workers is this generation's weakness.
Being a millennial in 2018 means getting a bad Uber ride and still giving the guy 5 stars because you understand that this is likely his livelihood and you don't want to jeopardize that-- Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) July 13, 2018
4. The prophet Britney told us eons ago...
The 5 Love Languages-- Brandon Melendez (@bamelendez12) July 14, 2018
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
5. Dance like no one's watching...and like nothing's exploding behind you.
making jokes on twitter while the last remnants of democracy crumble around us pic.twitter.com/kPQCk5daH5-- little red corbett (@samcorb) July 17, 2018
6. And if you ever see them again, hide behind something, wait for them to leave, then flee the country and change your identity.
The rule book for seeing someone you barely know in public-- kb (@kbnoswag2) July 14, 2018
Sober: completely avoid
Buzzed: say hi
Drunk: full blown conversation
Blacked out: make elaborate plans to go on some type of road trip or vacation together
7. Thanks, abstinence-only education!
I thought women had their periods forever. When my first period stopped I assumed the neighbours' dog impregnated me when I pet him. For a month I believed myself to be carrying a half human half dog baby. This story is brought to you by Ontario Catholic School Sex Ed in the 90s.-- Julie Mannell (@JulieMannell) July 13, 2018
8. But seriously PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP???
My friend wanted to order water and the delivery guy was asking for her address, "add pls". She thought it meant add the WORD "please". I'm crying 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/UY7zgQQ5Lw-- Lamaan Latheef (@LamaanLatheef) July 10, 2018
9. "And this clear, flavorless, bubble-less soda labeled 'Water'? Fantastic."
I think about this literally every day pic.twitter.com/z6ykqQXtYF-- dismal moon (@marxianangel) July 14, 2018
10. "They're probably just very good buddies and roommates. And that child is their nephew."
a gay power move is referring to a straight person's obvious partner as their friend-- huzeravaza (@starrysappho) July 15, 2018