CollegeHumor / Shutterstock
Take it from me, a 19 year old, living in the city isn't always easy! Ever since I moved to New York from Old Greenwich Connecticut in order to study advanced daytime talk show hosting, I've been confronted with more than my fair share of financial setbacks. So with no sense of irony or self-awareness, I'm here to share my tips of the trade so that you too can live in the Greatest City in the World on a modest budget of just a cartoon wheelbarrow overflowing with money a week.
Every morning I wake up and have eggs benedict Seamlessed to my penthouse over Central Park from a place with a $15 delivery fee. I don't tip the delivery person, because that's what the delivery fee is for. Whatever leftovers I have I shoot with a gun, a .357 Magnum, and then do Pat Bateman's morning routine from American Psycho.
Once that's all done, my father, the founder of Johnson & Johnson, arrives at my door and I hop on his back and ride him to work. I've found this to be much more affordable (free) and reliable (runs every 15 minutes) than the New York City subway system. When I get off of his back he hands me three buckets of crude oil and however much stock of Amazon I desire. Today I decide to go with 30.
I enter my high profile media internship where I regrettably must pay my employers $500 a day when I enter, like a cover charge at a bar. What people don't tell you is that pursuing your dreams comes at a cost, and you may work at a loss for awhile before you start making the money you'd like. It's all playing house to me though! I could build 15-20 roller coasters out of pocket right now and nothing in my life would change.
For lunch I have a dozen or so restaurants who prepare meals for me in helicopters up in the sky. When I alert them in a group message that I am hungry, a chef from each of these establishments jumps out of their helicopter with their food and they all descend down on me like Fortnite. Whoever gets to me first has proven that they are deserving of their meal being eaten. Unless it's like fish something - no thank you!
ShutterStock / nazarovsergey
People say making friends in New York can be tricky, but I've found it to be rather simple actually! All acquaintances in my life are given a weekly stipend of $3,000 just to let them know I care. Rates increase the closer a friend you become to me, and I have delineated the tiers of friendship much like one would backers of a Kickstarter project. If this isn't feasible for you, I recommend being insanely hot, which I also am.
I ride one of those orbs from Jurassic World home and for dinner I usually have the President of the United States declare war on Italy and put troops on the ground to get all up in there and send me some really good pasta.
I spend my night fucking people so hot your brain wouldn't even be able to fathom them. It's like if your brain had to envision a new color. You just can't do it.
Living in New York City is a dream come true that I get to enjoy everyday, and you can too! Here you can really achieve the American Dream, provided that someone who raised you achieved it already on their own terms and now is allowing you a no consequence sandbox where you can live blissfully like a Sims cheat code.