You may as well call yourself Charlie 'cause you just won a golden ticket to the chocolate factory.
Except the chocolate factory is more like a bunch of really good tweets that'll give you a little bit of sweet joy in your otherwise sour life. It's basically like candy but without the cavities or enslavement of Oompa Loompas or that chubby kid drowning in a river of liquid chocolate.
1. Such beauty, such grace.
what did we do to deserve dogs pic.twitter.com/NkjbanT9gu-- kiersten (@kierstennamber) September 10, 2015
2. WARNING: falling rocks that are a metaphor for your inability to handle your own emotions ahead.
anxiety got me approaching relationships like pic.twitter.com/DOXG9qB8us-- Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 12, 2016
3. Grandma is rolling in her casket.
me: I'm gonna say a few words-- dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 3, 2016
wife: no rhymes this time
me: I promise
*walks up to podium*
"a tisket a tasket what's in grandma's casket"
4. Hey, not many people can say they're the Usain Bolt of anything!
"so doc... am I dying?"-- Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 3, 2016
"we're all dying, just at different speeds"
"but what about me"
"You're like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao"
5. Looks like someone scored!
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.-- Mikey (@KrunkedRobot) August 13, 2016
6. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE HIDING!
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!-- Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) September 27, 2016
7. "How to poop out master's shoe string"
Dog's Browser History:-- Michael 🕶 (@Home_Halfway) April 8, 2015
where r bones
can i hav bones
does owner hav bones
am i best boy
how to hunt cats
i want tenis balls
8. Do you need some water to shut the fuck up or what?
You say "Are you ok?" but I know you really mean "Stop coughing."-- Robert Manchild (@RobertManchild) September 8, 2014
9. Bukkake in b flat.
Autocorrect changed "jizz" to "jazz" so now I'm just sitting here while this guy plays a clarinet in my face.-- Space Cat (@catstronomical) February 10, 2017
10. I want it all or I want NOTHING.
Just overheard a girl order a Bloody Mary when apple juice wasn't available, which is very similar to how I make most of my life decisions.-- KELLY JOHNSON (@ohheyohhihello) September 4, 2016
11. Wow, this water is spicy!
i got a white noise machine to help me sleep but it just says things like "i have many Latino friends" & "you should check out this podcast"-- the pan-midwesterner (@panmidwest) March 24, 2017
12. Goddammit rookie, you're good.
DEBATE CAPTAIN: You're off the debate team-- Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) March 17, 2017
ME: No I'm not
DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?