reddit confession: trying to inflate dick with a soccer pump

Oh no.

We live in a society where there's dick pill commercials on left and right, spam emails guaranteeing inches on the dick, and porn sites that are lined with insane dick growing gifs that you didn't ask to see (I went to go find one to add, but you know the ones. You're already picturing them. We're all perverts here.)

Needless to say, that stuff can weigh on a guy's mind. Well redditor justafish25 felt the pressure to enlarge his junk for a completely different reason -- he accidentally saw his dad's dad dong and figured something needed to be done about this size indifference:

This fuck up took place 15 years ago when I was around 11 years old. I had recently seen my father's penis for some reason as little boys often accidentally do. It got me thinking about how small my penis was. I decided I needed to do something about this. I did some google searching and somehow learned about penis pumps.

At this point after Google searching penis pumps, surely most of us would see the pump-like devices and notice they don't look anything like a basketball pump or anything other pump of that sort, but this guy was 11 and dumb and the logic area of his brain had not yet developed sooo...

Now, my 11 year old self didn't really understand what this term meant. I however knew that I had a penis, which had a hole, and I had a pump. The pump I had, was a soccer ball pump. The ones with the little metal needle. Well I examined my dick hole and determined it could accept this metal object. I stuck it in, it hurt a little bit. I decided the pain would be worth it. I pushed the pump handle down and pumped air in. It inflated my urethra like a little balloon. Since I was 11, I was not an anatomy expert. The sensation gave me an erection, so I decided it must be working. I inflated again. It hurt a little this time, and now it felt like I had to pee. I wanted results though, and people always say "No pain, no game." I pushed the handle down again. Now I really fucking had to pee.

Penis? Check. Hole? Check. Pump with hole-sized insertable? Check. Time to GROW. THIS. DICK.

I removed the needle and hobbled off to bathroom. The sensation had given me a full on erection, the kind where it is hard to pee. However, I really fucking had to pee. I pushed super hard. No man other than me likely knows the feeling of farting piss out of their penis. I get to claim that I guess. The air mixed with urine created a sprinkler effect spraying piss everywhere as the air and pee mixture escaped violently. It really hurt my dickhole. Amazingly the dickhole was not meant to rapidly expel air from a dick balloon. I can confirm now that if a woman blows into your penis during a blowjob, you will not die. Check mate weird middle school boy story tellers.

'The sensation had given me a full erection.' Hmm. I mean this almost sounds like somewhat of a success? I mean, aside from the pain he still experiences 15 years later. YES I SAID PAIN HE STILL EXPERIENCES 15 YEARS LATER:

15 years later it still hurts when I pee occasionally. I am considering going to a urologist one day, however I am not sure how to address the issue. The last thing I would want to tell a medical doctor is the actual reason why my dick hurts every now and then. 

TLDR: I thought my penis was too small so I inflated it like a balloon. It hurt when I peed.

Just to be clear, your dick should most definitely not hurt when you pee, so if it ever does, get that shit checked out. Do not just laugh about it for over a decade before exchanging the story for internet points.

The commenters loved the story, though, and weighed in with some good stuff:

1. The vibrator what? Tripped, fell, and landed on your dick?

I worked in a urology clinic for a little over a year and this would be considered rather "uninteresting" compared to some of the people who came in. About every other month we would get a new person (always guys shockingly) who lost something in their urethra/ bladder. My favorite object that got removed though had to be a bullet vibrator that some unfortunate soul lost in the depths of their bladder. It was still vibrating when we managed to remove it so I can only imagine how "distracting" that persons car ride over must have been.

Nicosauve / Reddit.com

2. This commenter asked, with soccer pump in hand.

So...did it make your dick bigger? Asking for a friend

The_Angry_Fox / Reddit.com

I feel like no, but there is really no way to know without a true peer reviewed study. We will need multiple children, and some very questionable consent forms.

justafish25 / Reddit.com

3. Damn, I guess OP isn't the only one with the claim to dick farts, after all.

A decade ago I had some major surgery and had a catheter inserted for 3-4 days. It didn't really bother me because it was very low on the list of my dismal circumstances. Anyway once they removed it I discovered I forgot how to urinate a la Beavis & Butthead. After about 12 hours of building pressure the process became less voluntary and I was finally able to begin some relief. But the relief was quickly interrupted by the bizarre shock of sputtering urine and dick farts. Apparently large gas bubbles had formed in my bladder.

Hospitals are a theatre of unrelenting biological humiliation.

Stun_gravy / Reddit.com

4. We all are.

I'm...quite uncomfortable...

PsionicBurst / Reddit.com

5. Why are we biologically like this?

Man stories like these always makes me kinda feel the pain too

GermericaGamer / Reddit.com

6. Guys, please start treating your dicks better.

Oh god. Anyway I used to hold the tip of my foreskin and piss into it until it could hold no more piss and squirted out

fishinbuttersauce / Reddit.com

7. But peeing regular is already so easy. 

I had a similar experience.

I had a very small turkey baster that I put into my penis hole as well. I thought I could suck the pee out.

Boy was I wrong

MrSirStevo / Reddit.com

8. Ahhhhhhh

I got a prostate infection as a result of a kidney stone, and my prostate swelled up to the point where I couldn't pee (felt like a knife in my dick every time I tried.) Went to the ER and they said only option was a catheter. About as thick as a sharpie marker. Now, imagine your prostate/dick tube being so swollen you can't even got liquid out without feeling like glass in your thing. 

So the nurse starts pushing it in and it's uncomfortable but manageable up until HOlY SHIT THE PAIN IS ALL I AM. I started screaming and she stopped, waited a moment, then oushed again. I screamed and wailed and begged her to stop. I will never forget the bored look in her eyes as she said "they say you have to keep knocking until someone answers the door." 

I have no conception of how long this took but I remember a crowd of 4-5 doctors and nurses gathering in the room to watch and see what the commotion was since they could hear me from all around the ER. I will never forget the moment she fknslly popped my dick hymen. It was one of the worst things I have ever felt and I'm pretty sure this is the reason I still have some pain when randomly when peeing to this day. It took me about 20 minutes to get out of the bed because the catheter inside me hurt so bad. When I finally took it out 5 days later every piss for a week was like rubbing the inside of my penis through a cheese grater. It would take me half an hour to finish peeing. 

Anyway my point is you nay have damaged your prostate if you still have pain, may want to get that checked.

trialobite / Reddit.com

9. And the most important question asked.

The question that somehow nobody else has asked is, now that 15 years have passed, is your dad's dick still bigger?

Halman  / Reddit.com

I don't know, we aren't close

justafish25 / Reddit.com