We live in a society where there's dick pill commercials on left and right, spam emails guaranteeing inches on the dick, and porn sites that are lined with insane dick growing gifs that you didn't ask to see (I went to go find one to add, but you know the ones. You're already picturing them. We're all perverts here.)
Needless to say, that stuff can weigh on a guy's mind. Well redditor justafish25 felt the pressure to enlarge his junk for a completely different reason -- he accidentally saw his dad's dad dong and figured something needed to be done about this size indifference:
This fuck up took place 15 years ago when I was around 11 years old. I had recently seen my father's penis for some reason as little boys often accidentally do. It got me thinking about how small my penis was. I decided I needed to do something about this. I did some google searching and somehow learned about penis pumps.
At this point after Google searching penis pumps, surely most of us would see the pump-like devices and notice they don't look anything like a basketball pump or anything other pump of that sort, but this guy was 11 and dumb and the logic area of his brain had not yet developed sooo...
Now, my 11 year old self didn't really understand what this term meant. I however knew that I had a penis, which had a hole, and I had a pump. The pump I had, was a soccer ball pump. The ones with the little metal needle. Well I examined my dick hole and determined it could accept this metal object. I stuck it in, it hurt a little bit. I decided the pain would be worth it. I pushed the pump handle down and pumped air in. It inflated my urethra like a little balloon. Since I was 11, I was not an anatomy expert. The sensation gave me an erection, so I decided it must be working. I inflated again. It hurt a little this time, and now it felt like I had to pee. I wanted results though, and people always say "No pain, no game." I pushed the handle down again. Now I really fucking had to pee.
Penis? Check. Hole? Check. Pump with hole-sized insertable? Check. Time to GROW. THIS. DICK.
I removed the needle and hobbled off to bathroom. The sensation had given me a full on erection, the kind where it is hard to pee. However, I really fucking had to pee. I pushed super hard. No man other than me likely knows the feeling of farting piss out of their penis. I get to claim that I guess. The air mixed with urine created a sprinkler effect spraying piss everywhere as the air and pee mixture escaped violently. It really hurt my dickhole. Amazingly the dickhole was not meant to rapidly expel air from a dick balloon. I can confirm now that if a woman blows into your penis during a blowjob, you will not die. Check mate weird middle school boy story tellers.
'The sensation had given me a full erection.' Hmm. I mean this almost sounds like somewhat of a success? I mean, aside from the pain he still experiences 15 years later. YES I SAID PAIN HE STILL EXPERIENCES 15 YEARS LATER:
15 years later it still hurts when I pee occasionally. I am considering going to a urologist one day, however I am not sure how to address the issue. The last thing I would want to tell a medical doctor is the actual reason why my dick hurts every now and then.
TLDR: I thought my penis was too small so I inflated it like a balloon. It hurt when I peed.
Just to be clear, your dick should most definitely not hurt when you pee, so if it ever does, get that shit checked out. Do not just laugh about it for over a decade before exchanging the story for internet points.
The commenters loved the story, though, and weighed in with some good stuff:
1. The vibrator what? Tripped, fell, and landed on your dick?
I worked in a urology clinic for a little over a year and this would be considered rather "uninteresting" compared to some of the people who came in. About every other month we would get a new person (always guys shockingly) who lost something in their urethra/ bladder. My favorite object that got removed though had to be a bullet vibrator that some unfortunate soul lost in the depths of their bladder. It was still vibrating when we managed to remove it so I can only imagine how "distracting" that persons car ride over must have been.