1. Nothing to see here. Just an ordinary vehicle, like any other.
I saw the most conspicuous vehicle ever pic.twitter.com/3xQCmtL1oI-- ☘️Noirette🌵 (@_choromi) August 2, 2018
2. It's your responsibility as a hot person.
if you're a hot person it's socially irresponsible for your instagram to be pictures of nature. have a backbone and give the people the pics of ur face that we deserve. do better.-- Ayo Edebiri (@ayoedebiri) August 2, 2018
3. Great counterpoint.
There's plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.-- em (@emmabetsinger) July 7, 2018
4. Hunted for their metallics. Very sad.
Sad to see the remaining members for daft punk hunted for sport pic.twitter.com/rAOms2gcM5-- Lil G-Pug (@gogglepossum) August 2, 2018
5. Takes a drag off a cigarette
[After sex]-- Father Drinks McGee (@drinksmcgee) August 2, 2018
Me: Did you cum?
Her, looking away longingly and recalling a distant memory: Once.
6. You are fired from the commercial, ma'am.
I just saw a Nature Valley commercial where a woman took a bite of BOTH BARS AT ONCE and I may never recover.-- Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) August 3, 2018
One time in college a guy tried to make out with me but I didn't want to so I grabbed this girl and said, "you should kiss her" and Now. They. Are. Married.-- SydSteinberg (@thesteinberglar) August 3, 2018
8. Please at least look unhappy.
can all the attractive couples please leave trader joe's while i'm buying my depression ice cream this time is not for you-- dirt prince (@pants_leg) August 2, 2018
9. Hell yes.
Put my wig on my dad and him and my mom are acting like he's black Jesus pic.twitter.com/bQTQ3mALmA-- Tahjá (@tahjaszn) August 3, 2018
10. Damn you've got man farts.
Just farted so loud in the women's washroom at this bar that I heard a woman say: 'ugh. Is there a man in here again?'-- coribara (@skwunt) August 2, 2018
11. Great advice, Jimmy Eat World.
Advice for new bands: When coming up with a band name, make sure it's acronym displayed really large on your artwork or t shirts won't be complicating matters. You're welcome.-- Jimmy Eat World (@jimmyeatworld) July 27, 2018
12. Ah yes, it is not solely the alcohol that I am currently guzzling.
Yesterday I saw a girl walking around with a sweatshirt that said "Malibu" and thought damn she's an alcoholic, until I remembered it's a place and I am, in fact, the alcoholic-- Anna Joseph (@babyy_loaf) March 18, 2018