Twitter can be a rough place - there's lots of harrassment, Nazis, threats, and general arguing and drama that you find in most places online. But also? Some pretty funny people, making some pretty funny tweets. Here are some of the best ones lately:
1. Jesus goes hard these days.
Tired: Jesus, take the wheel.-- Edward Stockwell (@EdwardStockwell) August 10, 2018
2. The world needs more gentle, sweet British baking competitions.
AMERICAN COOKING COMPETITION: I came to WIN. I need this money for my daughter's brain surgery and I will DESTROY the competition with KNIVES AND CROSSED ARMS-- Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) August 9, 2018
BRITISH COOKING COMPETITION: ahhhI hope my souffle is good! probably isn't, but I tried!
3. Tooth decay is CANCELLED.
when i successfully persuaded my toddler to brush his teeth i said "we stan a minty legend" because twitter has destroyed my brain-- Al Shipley (@alshipley) August 9, 2018
4. C'mon kid, you don't have to sum up the aging process so brutally.
My 4 year old cousin said "if a Happy Meal is for kids, then grown-ups must eat Sad Meals" and it was the most real thing I've ever heard.-- rav (@Doughbvy) August 8, 2018
5. I mean...it's not wrong.
Important Working Lunch instructional slide RE introducing yourself pic.twitter.com/b36mKleVnv-- ally mclean (@allymcleangames) August 9, 2018
6. Listen, pal, I watched a lot of the TV show 'Bones,' so I can actually be down with this.
the next person who pulls any of that sapiosexual "i hate small talk" stuff on me is getting animal skull id facts. you want to talk about something intellectually stimulating? congrats pal, it's bones-- kate bush fan club (@babyfruitbat) August 9, 2018
7. This is both weirdly dark and wholesome.
There were no obituaries in today's paper. People are calling, wondering what happened to them. Just ... nobody died.-- Colin Roger MacLean (@JournalPMacLean) August 9, 2018
8. Hmmm, perhaps we shouldn't have hormonal teens decide to take on crushing amounts of debt in order to get an education.
When I was 17 I went to get a Limp Bizkit tattoo and when they wouldn't let me because I didn't have a guardian's approval, I cried and punched a lamp post. 3 months later I was allowed to take on $119,000 in loans to go to art school.-- Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) July 8, 2018
9. They should have never cut that one verse from "I Wanna Hold Your Hand, Groovy Surfer Babe"
the beach boys-- joseph (@touchtheleather) August 10, 2018
- wrote several songs about surfing
- did not write a single song about surfing
10. This is known as "Bro-ddhism"
Bro in cafe talking to his bro friends, verbatim: "Bro, come on, just don't answer her. Put your phone down. Phones down, bros. It's zen time. The bros are having some coffee together, we're hanging out. Phones down. That icy goodness."-- Jake Bittle (@jake_bittle) August 9, 2018
11. This is what REAL BDSM looks like
[during sex]-- Das Skoogeth (@Skoogeth) August 9, 2018
her: i want you to hurt me
me: your sister's more successful than you
me: not a big fan of the new haircut
12. When we said we were "goths for life", we MEANT it
ah yes my kind of weddings pic.twitter.com/UOxXtN3DLG-- 𖤐 (@borealfiends) August 11, 2018