I know, I know. You're all immediately angry at the thought of America's Dad, Tom Hanks, being compared unfavorably to another human being, let alone his own son. I'm just here to state my case and hopefully win a few of you over with my absolutely flawless logic and research.
Colin Hanks unexpectedly pops up in all the best shows
Obviously Tom Hanks has starred in a bunch of great movies, but that is to be expected. It's like if you order a cheeseburger and you get a cheeseburger. Ok, nice I suppose. You got the good product you were expecting. But Colin Hanks is like when you order fries and you get that one curly fry and you're like "Oh shit nice, a curly fry, I wasn't expecting this treat. My day has been improved."
He's not gonna overwhelm you with charisma or the juiciest of roles, but he's always great, whether he's psychopathically murdering innocent people in Dexter or being the most timid, sheepish loser who somehow saves the goddamned day in Fargo.
Tom Hanks has had one weird messed up kid while Colin has had none
Tom Hanks has had 4 kids total, and one of them is a complete damn mess named Chet. Yeah, he named him Chet. He loses bonus points for that, too. Alright technically it was Chester, but c'mon that's a Cheeto Cheetah's name, not a human childs. This Chet Hanks or 'Chet Haze' as he goes by, has released a rap album, been in and out of rehab, and even once defended the use of the n-word since entering adulthood under Tom's dime.
Colin, on the other hand, has two kids and I can find literally ZERO information on them online which means they definitely AREN'T out creating rap albums and defending slurs.
Tom Hanks dropped out of college
Ok, yeah sure, so did Colin, but probably THANKS TO EXAMPLE SET BY DAD. Way to set up your son for failure, Tom.
Maybe if Tom had decided to be an astronaut, that could've led to Colin following THAT example and then we could have TWO top notch astronauts by now. We could practically be living on Mars, but instead we're now stuck with two college dropouts who like to make-believe on stage. Not that cool.
Tom constantly does cheeky viral shit while Colin isn't about that life
Tom Hanks constantly pops up all over the internet with his cheeky shit, like posing next to passed out drunk dudes (link), sending his fans vintage typewriters (link) or showing up unexpectedly to couples weddings (link). Colin is cool as shit and doesn't need this extra validation.
While Tom is out there earning Internet Points, Colin is at home raising his CHILDREN NOT NAMED CHET.
Tom made me tear up as the voice of Woody in Toy Story 3, Colin has never made me cry
The emotion of crying is an unpleasant one. Break an arm? Tears. Dog go missing? Tears. Watch very realistic, computer animated toys you've grown to love and respect, realize their owner doesn't need and/or want them anymore? Tears.
Colin on the other hand only brings the emotion of happiness and sometimes indifference, which is still a slight upgrade over sadness.
There you have it. Colin rules. If you don't like it, maybe Tom will send you vintage bullshit to cheer you up.