So I've been thinking a lot about suicide lately and how awesome it is. Giving up; it's what I’m known for…That and failure.Anyway, I'm trying to find a cheap coffin on Ebay that I can start sleeping in, so when I commit suicide they can just nail the lid on and throw me in the ground. There's less mess. Maybe the reason why Dracula slept in a coffin was because he was so depressed; it's hard to make friends when you can't walk around during the day.Poor guy.

So, instead of trying to find a girlfriend or become a successful anything, my new mission in life is trying to fill the hole my father left in me. Fill it with death. The question isn't "if" or "when" (ASAP obviously), the only question is how; most suicide attempts fail. When I "do it to it" I want to be sure that the suicide is gonna take. There are a number of different ways to hit it and quit it… I call them "The Classics":

The Suicide Classics:
Hanging: Let’s be honest; I'm too big to be hanged. A lifetime of avoiding exercise and healthy foods mean that I'd either break the rope or the rafter, giving myself a nasty neckburn. Plus, if it does work, your bowels release, covering you in shit. Not a great way to be found.

Poison: No way. I'm not too hot on swallowing pills; besides, pills only work 12% of the time! What if I don’t take enough of them and end up a permanent mess who has to live out his days as the next Trim Spa Spokesperson?Fuck that shit. I'm not a 14 year old girl; this isn't a cry for help, it's a final solution to a 20 year old problem.

Wrist Slitting: The reason why this won't work is the same reason I dropped out of medical school; I can't cut through skin. Especially mine. I'd just end up getting disgusted at the sight of blood and would vomit all over my Scooby Doo sheets. Poor Scoobers.

Shooting in the head: Eating a bullet is probably the best method for me that I can think of. It's a family favorite. But let's be honest; when do I have the time to buy a gun? I'm too busy. Also, I’m worried that if I put a gun in my hand I might decide that life is actually awesome, not shitty…And what'sthe point of thinking that life is awesome? I'm trying to kill myself here, not cheer myself up.

Jumping off a building: The Golden Gate Bridge would be ideal, but I'm too poor for a plane ticket. Not to mention thatjumpers always leave a big mess; I just want to end my life, I don't want to be an asshole and make someone clean up my brains. That's rude, yo. I may be a future suicide statistic, but I'm stilla gentleman.

Obviously, none of the abovecan really offer me the certainty or style of death I'm looking for. After thinking long and hard about it, I've come up with a couple ways that I think would suit me perfectly, and would be a great way to shuffle off this mortal coil:

Personal Favorite Suicide Possibilities:

Crashing a supersonic jet fighter into the side of a mountain: This is great because you know you're not gonna live though that kind of a sweet explosion. Plus, before you die you get to do all sorts of sweet Top Gun shit; barrel rolls loop de loops, etc. Awesome. The only thing is that it might be hard to get my hands on a supersonic jet fighter. Maybe I'll ask the Make A Wish Foundation. Anybody know how I can catch some cancer?

Dying in a revenge fueled swordfight battle because I tried to kill a member of my assassin team on her wedding day and put her in a coma but then she woke up and got all pissed about it: While on the surface this doesn't seem to be suicide per se, I think it would count if my motivation for trying to kill The Bride was that I secretly wanted her to come back and kill me because I couldn't figure out a really good way to kill myself on my own. All I have to do now is start building my elite team of assassins…Sorry.I just bought both Kill Bills on DVD last night.

Getting Lapdanced to Death
This would be freaking awesome.I’m not sure how you would die from this – maybe blunt trauma to the head from a stripper’s ass? I do know thatthis is a death thatwould be pretty sweet.Havinga chick named Charmane kill you with her buttwould probably be pretty expensive, but hey, you’re gonna be dead in a few minutes so who cares?Plus, you don’t have to worry about burdening your family with a funeral; I’mpositive that most strip club owners know how to dispose of a dead body.All the strip club owners I know do. Trust me.

IDon't Really Have Another Suicide Idea
…But I really wanted to underline one last thing.Sorry about that.