It's a question we've all asked ourselves in times of drunkenness, desperation, or financial uncertainty.

"Would I go gay for a million bucks?"

"Well," you answer in the silence of your own mind, "that would all depend."

"All depend on what?" asks the wealthy businessman who's been buying your shots all evening.

"All depends on what you mean by 'go gay,'" you reply from the inside of Uncle Elizabeth's Tavern.

"I mean, precisely how long would I be 'going gay,' and what gay things would I be doing while 'going gay?' Would I be holding hands with the guy, or kissing him, or shopping for hot-pants while bitching about Republicans? Do I have to refer to everyone as 'girlfriend?' Cause if that's the case, I might be halfway to gay as of now….Because I say that A LOT."

"No, no, no," he answers quickly, "you wouldn't have to do anything like that." You perk up. "You'd just have to be down for some sodomy." And the good feelings fade.

"So…" prods Mr. Indecent Proposal, "what'ya say?"

"I say…" you begin, "that it looks like I'm making my utilities payments after all!

Now buy me another Cosmo before I change my mind."