The Dressing Room at Macy’s, Anywhere – I’m bringing my journalistic integrity to the biggest unanswered question of all time: Why do only fat chicks ask if they look fat? Does being fat somehow make them think that everybody else is blind? That might be nice, considering they’re in a state of denial about some needed wardrobe upgrades.

“I don’t need to buy new pants because I’m just bloated, I’m starting my period in-“

That’s just fucking gross. We don’t need to hear about you bleeding like, literally, a stuck pig. And besides, bitch, please. If you were “starting your period tomorrow” every time you ate chocolate, you’d be dead from the blood loss.

Don’t you know it’s just not nice to put people in the position of lying to you? Some people are religious and asking them to reassure you at the expense of their immortal souls is a bit much, don’t you think?

Here, let’s try to think of a solution together. First, you’ll need a portable keg. The cheaper the better, you’ll go through a lot of them. Keep everybody around you intoxicated and you’ll magically lose weight. Or, you know, stop pretend menstruating and skip the Krispy Kreme baker’s dozen run for today.