My friends, I am writing today to describe my quiet struggle. For much of my life I have been discriminated against, not for my race or gender, but something far less obvious. It is the first letter of my last name. people often ask, "What's the big deal?" when I let them in on my little crusade against alphabetical discrimination. I'll tell you what the big deal is.
The big deal is that I've had to sit in the back of almost every classroom throughout my education. The big deal is that I have to sit through functions like graduation while everyone else walks on by, then I get the bullshit "Hurry-up-Denny's-is-calling-my-name" applause. The big deal is that I have to stand in the back of the line, which is basically a way of saying everyone better than you because they inherited a better letter from their parents. Well I, for one, will not stand for this any longer.
It is time for those of us (last names W-Z, mostly) who are scorned for our phonetic shame to stand up and say in one voice "We are not afraid anymore." No longer will we blend into the background while the Aarons and Abingtons hog the spotlight. We will stand up and break the chains of alphabetist oppression.
And don't pander to us with your pathetic "reverse alphabetical order", we know what you really mean. Next time, try basing who gets a diploma first on merit, not on your filthy letters.
We deserve a chance to shine through our lot in the alphabet game, to go beyond the limits imposed upon us by cruel fate. So next time, before you alphabetize, I hope you think of me, and do what's right for equality.