Ever since Timberlake’s been bringing sexy back, Britney has been doing her damndest to take it away. Remember when they dated? Yeah, that was a long time ago when she was hot and wasn’t crazy. She also wore Catholic school girl outfits, which everyone enjoyed. Yup, things sure have changed, but why? Well, since I have nothing better to do, I’ve decided to outline all the reasons for her current downward spiral into obscurity. This is very important stuff that everyone should know so I suggest you keep reading. The only thing I can think of that could possibly be more important is Nicolas Cage’s Biography but I’m sure you’ve all read that by now. So anyway, I guess its time to bring you:
Britney Spears is Crazy: A True Story
We all know that Britney became famous with “Hit Me Baby, One More Time” which sounds like domestic abuse to me but hey it worked for her. The song, accompanied by an awesome video quickly jumpstarted her career. Her debut album went platinum 14 times. Amazing!
So, in April of 1999, seventeen-year-old Britney appeared in Rolling Stone wearing some pretty slutty outfits, which is pretty freaking sweet when you’re 16 and looking at them but if you’re in your 40’s its actually pretty creepy. The photos brought forth a lot of controversy due to Britney’s age and the photos led to speculation that she had gotten breast implants. Oh, did I mention that her mom was there allowing all this sluttiness to take place? Yeah, bad parenting, I’d say. I’d never allow my seventeen-year-old daughter dress like that. And yes, I do have one. Her name is Ashley Hotshot Bice. I was six when she was born.
During the 2000 MTV Video Music Awards, the sluttiness continued as Brit ripped of a black suit to reveal a skin colored outfit with sequins giving the illusion of nakedness. Again, very hot if you’re 16, but if you’re 40, you could end up on To Catch a Predator for that stuff. By now it was pretty obvious that Britney had very few parental limits if any but this would be the end of any public Britney controversy for a while.
Then in 2002, Britney starred in Crossroads. There wasn’t really any controversy involved with this unless you think “making crappy movies” is controversial, which sometimes it could be, but not in this case. I actually saw the movie and all I can remember is that one of Britney’s friends got pregnant in it. The girl was all worried how she would take care of this baby but luckily she fell down the steps at the end and the baby died. Talk about a happy ending. So remember girls, if you ever get pregnant don’t get and abortion. Just have one of your good friends push you down the steps instead. Then you won’t feel as guilty. (That’s total sarcasm by the way. I love babies and hate abortions and so does my friend Jesus.) It wasn’t too shortly after Crossroads came out that Justin and Britney broke up. I’m guessing he saw it and couldn’t stand to look at her anymore. Can you really blame him?
So J.T. has broken up with you. What now? Find a new boyfriend since you’re still ridiculously hot? No! That’s stupid. Instead Britney decided to make out with Christina Aguilera and Madonna during the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards. I’ll give her this much, it got her loads of media attention. I just can’t seem to figure out why I didn’t get the same amount of attention when I made out with Madonna and Christina. It might have had something to do with the fact I just printed out pictures of their faces and made out with those. Maybe.
2004 was also a great year for Britney. She married Jason Alexander in . No, not that Jason Alexander. Although it would have been hilarious if it was. This Jason Alexander was actually one of Britney’s childhood friends from good old . Britney’s parents and manager flipped out when they heard the news and the marriage was annulled 72 hours later. Apparently, Britney and Jason had quite the New Years weekend before the marriage even took place. Recently, Alexander came out and said during that weekend Britney stayed up for three days straight taking Ecstasy at night and Coke during the day to stay awake. So it looks like drugs were involved when she decided she wanted to get married the first time and they most certainly had to have been involved in her deciding she wanted to get married a second time.
This brings us to Kevin Federline AKA K-Fed. As everybody already knows this guy is a complete tool. Actually, anyone who wears a wife-beater as a shirt on a daily basis has to be. So Britney marries this guy, has a baby and this is where the bad parenting she obviously received as a child comes into play. No Britney, it’s not OK to drive with your baby on your lap. It’s also not OK to almost drop your baby because you’re careless and lack common sense. I find it ironic that Federline was supposed to be the idiot of the relationship but you never see anything about him endangering his child’s life. Ironic indeed.
Now we’re here in 2007 and Britney has totally gone crazy. After having another child, she divorced K-Fed, who is currently enjoying his own musical fame selling a whopping 6,500 copies of his first album during the first week of sales. But the point is Britney is single again! Wooooo!
Now she’s free to go out and party with Paris Hilton in the gang and not wear underpants for everyone to see her c-section. Brit’s been your typical party girl with her new found freedom and has even checked into rehab 3 times recently. Before the third time, she even shaved her head. I guess Kevin wanted custody of the kids because sadly, he’s the responsible one now, and Britney knowing that the only way to test for drugs is through the hair, decided to do the right thing. I guess it’s a good thing she rented out the whole wing of that rehab center for herself. Now she doesn’t have to fight paparazzi with an umbrella anymore.
Well, that’s it. I can’t believe I actually spent the last hour and a half writing about Britney Spears much like you can’t believe you actually took the time to read it. Oh well. Next week, I’ll write about something much cooler. Probably Nicolas Cage.