Facebook Operator: Welcome to Facebook, how can I help you?
Me: Hi I recently received a “facebook gift” and I'm wondering if I can return it.
Me: Right. I don't really need it. I think it cost a dollar or something. I'd rather just have the dollar.
Facebook Operator: Well sir, you can hide the gifts if you do not wish them to appear in your profile. Thanks for calling!
Me: Well Hello. Hello? Hello?
Facebook Operator: Yes?
Me: I don't think you understood, I'd rather have the dollar. I can use a soda. Or anything. Yeah, I’d rather just have the dollar. If it’s not a big deal.
Facebook Operator: I'm sorry sir, you can't just return a Facebook gift. Someone purchased that gift in your honor.
Me: Don’t Make me angry. Haha. Just DO THIS. JUST GIVE ME MY DOLLAR. Okay? I’m normal.
Facebook Operator: Umm do you mind if I ask which gift you received?
Me: I dunno, it's a penguin or some shit. It doesn't matter which one it is, I don't want it. I'd like to return it. This wouldn't be a big deal at any clothing store in America. Somebody bought me a gift, and I want to return it. I just want to know how!
Facebook Operator: Are you sure you're looking at the image correctly, sir? We do not offer penguins as gifts. Perhaps its a dog? Or a BFF charm?
Me: I dunno, then it’s a dog! Whatever! WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL!? WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT IT IS?!
Facebook Operator: Yeah Cute puppy doggy. That is one of our best sellers. Is it a roll of toilet paper?
Me: No. I just said it was the dog! Jesus! Okay Sure. The toilet paper! Can I have a dollar now!? WHY IS THIS EVEN A BIG DEAL!? I JUST WANT A FUCKING DOLLAR!
Facebook Operator: Don’t raise your voice at me, sir.
Me: Don’t raise your Tits.
Facebook Operator: Excuse me, sir?
Me: NOTHING. Can i Seriously. Can I just have a dollar now? Can I have a dollar? I’m really about to cry.
Facebook Operator: If you like, I can credit your profile one (1) Facebook gift. That way, you can send a gift to the friend who sent you one!
Me: NO! Don’t you get it!? I hate these things! I wouldn't send one to my worst enemy! Your Facebook credit is useless to me! And now my nose is bleeding! Great!
Facebook Operator: You you do realize that these gifts are for CHARITY, sir.
Me: FUCK charity. Okay? Fuck Charity. This this "Gift" or whatever, is worse than any disease. They should make a charity to support ME. Actually, can you do that? Can I be the charity that this goes to?
Facebook Operator: Probably not, sir. This charity goes to support breast cancer.
Me: Honestly, no joke, this is worse than breast cancer.
Facebook Operator: Sir, that’s hardly fair.
Me: Okay, you’re right. That was too much. I’m sorry. Obviously, these gifts are not worse than cancer. It’s just Can I? Can I just have a dollar? Please? Here. I’m asking you nicely. Can I have a dollar? Can I please? Just have a dollar? Can I please have a dollar?
Facebook Operator: Sir, I’m hanging up now.
Me: Okay, fine. Wait! Bet me something!
Facebook Operator: Excuse me?
Me: Bet me something. Winner gets a dollar. I bet you a dollar you can’t tell me the color of my shirt.
Facebook Operator: Blue.
Facebook Operator: Sir?
Me: I gotta go. I’m going through a tunnel thingy and I gotta go.
Facebook Operator: It says here you’re calling from a payphone.
Me: Can’t really hear you! Put me on your do-not-call list, bye!
Special thanks to Sarah Schneider for playing the role of "Facebook Operator."