Ethan: Big week for basketball and football, moderately big week for baseball…and I think someone, somewhere is still playing hockey. Thoughts on conference tourneys?

Amir: You can have your Big 10, Big East, Pac 10 nonsense. This time of the year is all about mid-majors for me! For one game a year I indulge in my deep and abiding passion for all things Winthrop!

Ethan: I've been watching the mid-major championship games, and there are a lot of scary teams for your bracket. Oral Roberts won a tough game last night, but they've already beaten Kansas and can bost that they're Ned Flanders' alma mater…I could see them winning as a fifteen seed given the right matchup.

Amir: Honestly, who cares about Florida, Texas, or UCLA? I want to know which teams will be losing to them this year. I hope its somebody new! I'm sick of hearing about Northern Arizona. Gimme something fresh! Give me Stetson!

Ethan: Will you calm down? Stetson is 6-12 in conference play.

Amir: Whatever. Long live the Hatters!

Ethan: What about Butler? Even though they lost last night, they'll get an at-large, and they'll be dangerous if only because they're among the ugliest teams in history to not feature Sam Cassell or Eric Williams. Their defense should generate at least twelve turnovers a game simply by scaring the opposition with their faces. Who needs a win in the big tourneys this weekend?

Amir: You can say "bubble." ESPN isn't going to sue us.

Ethan: We're still paying off the lawsuit to Fox from when we called this the Best Damn Sports Column Period. I don't want to risk it.

Amir: As far as teams on the brink, Syracuse may have to pull another conference tourney run like last year out of its ass, and without G-Mac I don't know if they can. But who is Vermont going to beat this year then!?

Ethan: Somewhere Coppenrath and Sorrentine are weeping.

Amir: You mean somewhere in Greece?

Ethan: The bubble team I want to see in is Drexel. I've watched them play a few times, and if they got an at-large, it would make Billy Packer's head explode, thereby saving us from hearing him whine for three weeks. Everyone would win!

Going back to your all ugly team, I'm not going to let you forget Keith Closs, Bryant Reeves, or Rasheed Wallace.

Ethan: Ew, Keith Closs? I'm not going to sleep for a week. He made Tom Coverdale look like Zach Braff. Moving on, do you understand anything that's happened in the NFL this week?

Amir: Nope. Three weeks ago I felt like I knew everything about football. Now I see teams waving their best players, guards I've never heard of getting $50 million deals, and teams who could really use Randy Moss not wanting to part ways with a late round draft pick for him. I guess they think Marques Colston will still be there this year in the 7th round?

Ethan: For NFL teams to do such a shitty job drafting, they hold on to their picks like they're made of platinum. Trading Thomas Jones only moved the Bears up in the second round? I know the teams think that running backs are as disposable as Pez dispensers, but to a certain extent, we've been shown that's not true. I thought the Marcel Shipp had sailed on that argument.

Amir: Zing!

Ethan: The real problem is that with the tricky salary cap and the non-guaranteed contracts, there's no way for fans to know what's going on. Even if you follow football, it's hard to tell if your team's in cap trouble or who has to be cut. On the plus side, though, Fred Smoot is now closer to the Atlantic Ocean, and the cruise possibilities are endless.

Amir: I'll just turn off my brain and wake up during week one and re-learn every team's roster.

Ethan: That's what Rachel Nichols' programmers do with her, too.

Amir: Speaking of failed experiments, several weeks later and we finally know the answer to "Can AI and Melo coexist?" A big fat "No."

Ethan: I haven't seen such failure since I tried to teach mice to sing "Smoke on the Water" for my seventh-grade science fair. And now Karl might bench Melo? What would that accomplish? Pissing him off more? Somebody in that Denver locker room is a snitch, and I'm looking in your direction, Nene. Please, I'm imploring you: stop snitchin'.

I actually think its a good idea. Instead of forcing them to play together they should be playing in two shifts. AI can have team A, and Melo can have team B. That way Denver always has a great player in the game, while the other teams have to play their scrubs eventually. It's worth a shot. Then again, I also think putting your best batters 1st, 3rd and 6th in the lineup is also a good idea. Never a dull inning!

Ethan: Congratulations, you've just graduated the Frank Robinson School of Baseball Management. What's your fearless baseball pick of the week?

Amir: Prediction: I will not care about baseball until October. That's your lock of the year. What's yours?

Ethan: I think Dan Haren can get into the AL Cy Young mix, but I'm only telling you guys that as a fantasy draft tip. If you're in my league, forget I said that. No, really, it was a joke. I meant to say "Carlos Silva." Interesting fact time?

Amir: Here's a good one. Randall Cunningham (You know, Michael Vick's dad) holds the record for fourth-longest punt in a regular season game. He had a 91 yarder in 1989! The best thing is: the video is online!

Ethan: I'm impressed! Chris Gardocki isn't. Until next week, try to mentally prepare yourself for a month of Billy Packer.

Amir: Or as I like to call it, "abusive grandpa's annual visit." Goodnight America!

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