Yesterday I compared the boys to a freshman dorm, and, if I do say so myself, that was probably a really great analogy. Somehow it doesn't translate for the girls. I think it's because I have trouble distinguishing one from the other, or from the flowers in the wallpaper, for that matter. That's probably, realistically, how freshman girl dorms really are, except that instead of a bunch of 110-pound, burnt sienna, huge-sunglass-wearing moppets in shorts that say "juicy" on the butt, we have several black girls who can really blow and a few white girls who wish they were the black girls. Oh, and Gina. All these girls have secrets, and they are totally ready to dish.(Side note: at the beginning of the show, which is live, of course, Ryan was all worried because he couldn't find Paula. After the credits, we find her in her usual seat, right next to Simon "My Shit is Open to My Navel to Reveal the Small Forest Growing On My Chest" Cowell, and Randy reveals that she had been "under the desk." Presumably giving Simon a beej. Which Ryan more or less clarifies for the audience, in case we didn't get it.)1. Jordin Sparks "Heartbreaker"Jordin's secret is that she really likes football, and that for a while, she dreamed of playing in the NFL. She's certainly built for it. Well, the girl NFL, maybe. I think Jordin is the cutest girl on this show. She looks like America Ferrara, only prettier, and while I don't think she has the best voice ever, she's at least never painful to watch. That being said, her adorableness is basically the only thing that makes me remember who she is, so she's lucky that she's so cute.2. Sabrina Sloane "Don't Let Go"I think Sabrina might be going home this week. Her secret is that she used to want to be a news anchor, and we get to watch some sweet 20th century footage of Lil' Sabrina on her high school news program, wearing a polo shirt that's way too big for her. The reason I think she might go home is that she's good singer, but for the most part, all the girls are trying to do the same "I have a big voice, and I'm going to shout a song at you and break your speakers with my throat tremors" thing, and I think America can really only handle so much of the same thing. At this point, she's like a blacker, slightly less talented Christina Aguielara, but with worse hair. Her dress was cute, though.3. Antonella Barba "Put Your Records On"Antonella apparently plays violin, AND she gives lessons over the summer! Sign me up for that. I'm starting to feel kind of bad for Antonella. At this point, it's no longer painful for me to listen to her sing. Her utter inability to perform well is actually pretty amusing, and it's a nice break from the Ethnic Girl Scream Fest 2007 that consumes the rest of this competition. The reason I feel bad for her is that she actually seems to believe that she's a good singer. The song today was just a mess. I bet she'd sound really awesome singing, like, "Itsy Bitsy Spider," or at least "Hit Me Baby (One More Time)" or something else that is intended for preschoolers. If I were her, I'd stop pretending that I could hold a candle to the blinding light of Melinda and LaKisha's respective suns, and just get back to fondling myself in or around a national monument. 4. Haley Scarnato "If My Heart Had Wings"Poor, sorry, butterface Haley Scarnato. Her face looks especially stupid today, but as usual her body looks nice, because (here's the secret) she used to be a gymnast. I think this is a Faith Hill song, but I don't really listen to that kind of music, so I'm not sure. She reminds me of Marie Osmond. I'm reasonably confident that Haley is not actually my 45-year-old English teacher who was really into musical theater and had two kids, but they sure do act alike on stage. Her feelings get all hurt when Simon says he doesn't know her name, and then Paula's all, "It's Haley," and Simon's all, "But what's her SURNAME?!?!" and Paula's all, "You're mean, but I have no idea." This kid has no chance. If she gets into the Top 12, I will eat my hat. And maybe one of Phil's, too.
5. Stephanie Edwards some Chaka Kahn song, the title of which I am too hungover to bother to discoverStephanie's secret is that she used to be really shy. All these secrets are pretty lame, but at least they aren't about hair. Because I bet she could have busted out an awesome "my haircut didn't always used to be this stupid" nugget of information. Stephanie is really weird to me, because I recognize that she has a good voice and that she's a good performer, and there's nothing really wrong with her, but I don't enjoy watching her that much. The songs are always impressive, I guess, but not very fun to listen to. I mean, I liked her dress today, at least, but
I dunno. I think she should get a weave. And some songs with a hook.
7. Gina Glocksen "Call Me When You're Sober"There is a brief pillow fight between Seacrest and the girls before Gina takes the stage in her rock n' roll costume and tries to convince us that that's who she "really is." I'm not buying it. Her secret was that she has a lot of lucky charms that she carries around everywhere, though it probably should have been that she's a big giant fake Hot Topic enthusiast. She did a pretty good job with the song. As much shit as I want to give her for wearing a costume and pretending to be all wild n' crazy or whatever, hers was probably the most entertaining performance of the night. Which might just be because I can grasp angsty "rock" marketed towards teens, but I may never understand amelodic black woman music.
8. Melinda Dolittle "I'm a Woman"Melinda Dolittle is OCD. That's her secret. My secret is that I want to carry her around in my pocket because I love her so very very much. She's truly awesome. She managed to sing a song from a musical and not have them be all, "Nice lame-ass musical song, r. tard!" Truly, she is my starlight and moonbeams, and everything she touches turns to gold. Melinda Dolittle's tears cure cancer and get rid of wrinkles. If she ever has a child, it will be the second coming of Christ, and the entire world will perform Godspell until the Christ child and Melinda ascend straight to heaven on a throne made of subwoofers and adorable, floral-patterned dresses.