We’re currently heading into my absolute favorite time of year. The days are beginning to get a little longer. The temperature is slowly becoming a little warmer. And soon the flowers outside will begin to bloom. But none of that has anything to do with why I’m in such a good mood. In fact, I care more about Bea Arthur’s cock size than I do about springtime. In all actuality the reason that I’m as psyched as I am is because it’s almost time for the white trash Super Bowl itself, Wrestlemania.
Now today, as I was expressing my elation over the upcoming pro wrestling extravaganza to a co-worker who could obviously care less, I noticed something. Vince McMahon is a low down, dirty, racist!
Don’t believe me? Well the proof is in the pudding, the chocolate pudding.
Let’s first look at perhaps the most racist of all Vince McMahon’s characters, Virgil.
Virgil was supposed to be the “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiases‘ bodyguard. Of course by “bodyguard”, I mean slave. Let’s face it, that’s what Virgil was, a glorified slave. Now I’m not saying that any black wrestler who portrays a bodyguard role is really portraying a slave, but Virgil, yeah, Virgil was a regular Kunta Kinte. Think about it for a second. The whole “Million Dollar Man” gimmick was based upon the fact that he was a rich white man. Virgil’s whole gimmick was that he followed Ted around, answering his every beck and call. You do the math.
And then there was one of the most blatant racist wrestling gimmicks of all time, Kamala.
Jim Harris comes up to Stamford, CT in 1984 looking for work. Week’s later, big Jim is fitted for a loincloth, instructed to begin yelling gibberish, and taught how to slap his belly like an uneducated moron. Vince McMahon turns Jim Harris into “The Ugandan Giant” Kamala. Where does the ring announcer say that Kamala lives you ask? Where else but “Deepest Darkest Africa”. Wow Vince, wow.
Then there is one of my favorite’s, Saba Simba.
In 1990, bodybuilding star and former NWA heavyweight champion “Mr. USA” Tony Atlas arrived in the WWF looking for superstardom. Little did Tony know that Vince McMahon doesn’t like when colored people get all “uppity”. Mr. USA was transformed into African Warrior Saba Simba. Mr. Atlas left the WWF after just one year.
And finally, there is Slick.
When Kenneth Johnson arrived in the WWF in 1986, the world was his oyster. Unfortunately for him, Vince McMahon was ready to shuck him. Ken Johnson became Slick, the jive talking pimp. He even made a WWF music video called “Jive Soul Bro”. That’s like making a Jewish man into a character called “Harvey The Cheap Fuck”, or naming a homosexual wrestler “The Ultimate Anal Warrior”.
Believe me, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’d love to sit here and list every single racist wrestling moment, but a rerun Perfect Strangers just came on, and who am I to deny Bronson Pinchot and Mark Lynne Baker of my viewership. Maybe you guys can discuss this subject for yourselves as you watch Wrestlemania 23 next month. You might even catch a match that features the new tag team Cryme Tyme. Yes, Cryme Tyme, the new African American tag team that raps, steals, and has gold teeth. You haven’t lost your touch with age Vince, you haven’t lost your touch at all.