Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
March 9, 2007
Growing tired with the banality of life
Bananaphone by Raffi
Do you ever lie awake in bed thinking about your existence? I mean, really, why are we all put here on this earth? Day in, day out, it’s the same thing: road rage on the morning commute, working at the warehouse, dealing with troublesome kids, wearing the same goddamn red tie…it just gets to be too much at times.
Take, for instance, my drive to work today. I was driving on Toad’s Turnpike, when out of nowhere a freaking shell of some sort hits me from behind! As my car was tossed in the air, I took a quick look and saw that son of a bitch Yoshi flying by me, all smug and shit. Then, just as I landed, a huge semi collided with me, delaying my drive even longer! I was so fed up that I threw my banana peel out of the window; I hope someone drives over it and hits the guard rail.
So then I get to work at the warehouse, where all I do all day is roll barrels into a furnace. Boring, I know, right? So anyway, I’m just there, doing my job, when all of a sudden the boss tells me to come into his office. He showed me some legal documents, something about an injured coworker and it being my fault. He says this guy named Mario, who always shows up to work tripping balls on shrooms by the way, got hit by one of my barrels. I assured him that that was in no way my fault; he either didn’t jump on time or wasn’t using his hammer to break them up. Anyways, I’m being slapped with a huge lawsuit, so if there are any lawyers out there willing to take a case pro bono, it would be very much appreciated.
It’s no better at home, either. My son DK Jr. is always hanging out with his floozy of a girlfriend Dixie. My friend Diddy is just a plain fuck-up, always losing my bananas. My octogenarian father Cranky won’t shut up about how things used to better back when life was 8-bit. On the news all I hear about are Giant DKs wreaking havoc on much smaller civilians. It really gives us Kongs a bad name. Honestly, the only pleasure I get during the day is relaxing with a nice banana and watching that sexy vixen Tiny Kong swing from vine to vine. What I wouldn’t give…
Well, I guess that’s all for now. If any of you out there has an excuse for me to get out of bed in the morning, I’d love to hear it. Honestly. I’m struggling to come up with one. Donkey Kong is Donkey Gone.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.