Hey bro, do you mind if I talk to you for a second? You’ve always been my best friend, and—HEY QUEERS! I CALLED NEXT GAME!—and umm, hey do you wanna play this game of beer pong with me? I guess we can talk and play at the same time. Anyways, I’ve always thought of you as someone I can trust and—FETCH US A PITCHER WHEN YOU’RE DONE WITH IT, LADIES!—and so uh, well, I just feel safe coming to you with this.

The thing is—GET THAT BOUNCE SHIT OUT OF HERE FAG! I WILL EAT YOUR FACE!—um, the thing is, that I have been having these feelings. I don’t know what to make of them, and—NICE SHOT! SEND THAT SHIT BACK!—so uh, like I was saying, I’ve just been really confused lately. Remember when I broke up with Pam? It wasn’t because she cheated on me, it was because—RERACK THAT SHIT YA BITCH!—um, because I just didn’t find her attractive anymore.

I know, I know, we were perfect together. But that’s sort of what—NICE SHOT DICKHEAD! THE CUPS ARE OVER HERE!—sort of what I’m getting at. It’s not that I don’t just find Pam attractive anymore; I don’t find any—OH NICE SHOT YA NANCE, DOES YOUR BOYFRIEND PLAY?!—any girls attractive anymore. God…this is really difficult. What I’m trying to tell you is that—OH YEA, GET IN THAT FUCKING CUP! REBUTTAL TIME!—I’m just trying to say that…well—I'M GAY!—uhh, I mean (whispers) I'm gay. NEXT!