This week finds America's Greatest Singing Competition Ever of All Time in a snazzy new arena, complete with an 85,000-person audience, what appears to be a full symphony orchestra, and festive neon appointments. Seacrest reminds us that this Stage of Glamor and Forgotten Words will be Idol's home for the next three months, and it took all the restraint I could muster to keep me from pulling the trigger on the loaded double-barrel sawn-off shotgun I keep under my couch. Just think: in three months I'll be out of school, probably teaching black kids how to read, but I'll STILL be recapping this insatiable beast of a television show. Idol is my cross to bear. I'm so much like Jesus.
It's also Diana Ross Week, which means that we have to listen to her babble about each contestant, and blah blah blah I don't really care about her. I'm kind of like George Bush in that way.
1. Brandon Rogers "Can't Hurry Love"
I'm not convinced that B.Rog is actually anything special. His dip-dyed shirt is stupid, every week I think he's less and less hot, and he's never sung well enough (especially for a professional singer) for me to forgive the fact that he's pretty much sucked every time he's performed on this show. He kicks the sucking up a notch tonight by forgetting some words while continuing to give me no reason to believe the judges when they insist that he's secretly very good. I'd say I think he should get kicked off, but then I remembered that Sanjaya is still here.
2. Melinda Dolittle "Home"
Okay, so Melinda's performance was the second best thing to happen on this show tonight. She was awesome, as usual, and she was so moved by the audience's reaction that she started to cry, which made Paula cry, which almost made me cry except that my heart is made of charcoal, and it was really cute. The Best Thing, though, occurred before she started to sing, when Ryan was asking her some question from a fan, because whatever, they like to waste my time. What followed Ryan's query was so perfect that I must transcribe it:
(the question was along the lines of "What's the worst thing about your life right now?" or something to that effect.)
Melinda: I hate having to wear these heels and dresses. I prefer my tennis shoes and sweatpants.
Me: I hear ya, sister.
Ryan: Simon, any advice on the high heels?
Simon: You should know, Ryan.
Me: Oh snap!
Ryan: Stay out of my closet.
Me: Double snap! And double-entendre!
Ryan: This is about the Top 12, not your wishes.
Ryan and Simon are soooo totally gay for each other. Oh, and for the record, I actually do talk out loud to my TV. It's lonely in my world.
3. Chris Sligh "Endless Love"
Chris did not wear glasses tonight. He also rearranged this song to be less upbeat, which the judges really hated, because, although they also hate copycat performances, they really hate it when people do stuff they don't expect, so. They're hypocrites. I actually didn't mind the arrangement. God knows I love Chris Sligh and his silky smooth magic voice, but it reminded me of Jamie Cullum's cover of "Everlasting Love," so I thought it was not super ridiculously great, but really pleasant.
4. Gina Glocksen "Love Child"
Fact: Diana Ross kept telling Gina that this song has a lot of words and that she needs to "pronounciate" them. Conclusion: Diana Ross is stupid. I thought Gina did okay, but I really never listen to Diana Ross songs, so unlike the judges, I'm not comparing these performances to the original recordings. The judges thought it was bad, but as long as people are dyeing select portions of their hair red to match Gina's, I really don't think their opinion matters.
5. Sanjaya Malakar "Ain't No Mountain High"
Sanja should go home this week.
1) He is using his hair as a crutch, and tonight it looked really stupid, despite Randy's praises, which don't count because Randy is bald.
2) Susan Sarandon gave a better performance of this song in The Stepmom, and she was dying of cancer.
6. Haley Scarnato "Missing You"
Tonight I gained a lot of respect for Butterface. She wasn't doing that well on the song anyway, but then she forgot all the words, and it was sad, and she almost started to cry, but she managed to hold her shit together even though Randy and Paula were all like, "THIS IS THE WORST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE. EVER." I felt really bad for her, but she's a trooper, even if she's not a very good singer anyway. Also the camera guy was taking like a million bagillion shots from below her knees. I think he was trying to see up her dress. Good thing she was wearing her belt close to the hem.
7. Phil Stacey "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me"
No, he's not.
8. LaKisha Jones "God Bless The Child"
LaKisha seems like she's probably a pretty boring person. Either boring or incredibly shy, but my money's on boring. However, she was really awesome on stage tonight. Her dress was gorgeous, her singing gave me happy chills, and each of her boobies is big enough to serve as a pillow for me, Streeter, and Jake Hurwitz at the same time. (Should the need ever arise.) (Fingers crossed.)
9. Blake Lewis "You Keep Me Hangin' On"
I really love Blake. I mean, independent of the fact that he's oddly charming and looks like the lovechild of Ben McKenzie and Robin Williams, I sincerely think he's a talented and innovative musician. The judges hated what he did tonight, because they fear change and the new millennium. They were all, "If you turned on the radio and you heard this, you'd immediately turn it off and pop in a Journey CD!" Granted, the audience for almost-but-not-quite-rave music might not be that large, but I really like when people throw electronic beats behind oldies, so they can just go suck a fuck.
10. Stephanie Edwards "Love Hangover"
Stephanie apparently hopped on the B.Rog/Butterface train and forgot some words to her song, but I couldn't tell, because I don't know this song. She also apparently left out the best part of the song, "much to everyone's chagrin," but again, I had no idea. I was too busy hating her dress and musing over how much her face reminds me of Beyonce without really looking like Beyonce.
11. Chris Richardson "The Boss"
TimberFAKE, true to his namesake, is not the best singer in the world by a long shot, but that kid can perform the shit out of a song. He sounded like he was incredibly nervous (or maybe he's just that bad at singing and I never noticed it before), but he still danced his adorable little buzzed cut self all around that stage, and I still want to have his babies. Also I was sad when I discovered that this song is not necessarily about Bruce Springsteen.
12. Jordin Sparks "If We Hold On Together"
My notes for this song just say, "Jordin is so pretty! EEEEEE!!!!" In addition to the Prettiest Award, she wins the Singing A Song From Land Before Time That I'd Totally Forgotten About But Is Pretty And Makes Me Think Of That Time Ducky Almost Got Eaten By A T-Rex Award. Also she sounded awesome. Also I want to have her babies. Well, I want to steal her babies and raise them as my own.
Tomorrow night we find out who goes home! If it's not Sanjaya I don't know what I'm going to do. Be incredulous, probably.