[taking place in a hospital room, moments after a proud middle-aged woman has just given birth to her first child, a hefty baby boy]
Jaded Doctor: Hello, Proud Mother. The delivery went flawlessly and your son is in perfect health. We’ve removed the bothersome umbilical cord and wiped off all of that placenta, so your son doesn’t look like a baby alien anymore. I’ve increased your pain killers a tad since your son was a whopping twelve pounds, six ounces and I’d imagine your cervix must stinging pretty badly right now.
[doctor hands mother her new baby for the first time]
Proud Mother: Yes, well I am in a fair amount of pain. But I’d have my vagina ripped and stretched ten-fold for this little, miraculous bundle of joy.
Jaded Doctor: Miraculous? Huh?
Proud Mother: Um. My son…?
Jaded Doctor: Wait, THIS one? Right here?
Proud Mother: Yes, this one! Who else would I be talking about?
Jaded Doctor: Well I don’t know if I would go so far as to call him a “miracle ”
Jaded Doctor: It’s just, that, well, childbirth is really no huge phenomenon. You fuck and then nine months later, a consequence pops out.
Proud Mother: Are you seriously trying to tell me that this twelve pound newborn infant that I just pinched out of my womanhood mere minutes ago is NOT something special?
Jaded Doctor: Well I didn’t say it like that. Call me cynical, but there are over six billion people walking around on this planet. I myself have probably delivered thousands of the little buggers. Come to think of it, your son was actually my third delivery since my lunch break a few hours ago. Speaking of which, I highly recommend the new pizza joint around the corner. Their calzones are absolutely phenomenal.
Proud Mother: Wait a second! You just referred to a doughy Italian food as a phenomenon when you wouldn’t do the same for my child?!?
Jaded Doctor: Oh. Um I meant it was delicious and reasonably priced.
Proud Mother: Doctor, are you honestly trying to tell me that childbirth is no big deal??
Jaded Doctor: That’s ridiculous; of course I’m not saying that! I mean my first few deliveries were pretty stressful. It's pretty difficult to yank those little dudes out of that gaping vag in one piece. But after that, it gets rather monotonous. I just think you’re getting pretty cocky, making a huge deal out of some infant’s entrance into the world.
Proud Mother: MY infant's entrance into the world!
Jaded Doctor: Right. He’s YOUR infant. We get it already.
Proud Mother: What the hell is the matter with you?
[nurse runs into room and interrupts]
Nurse: Jaded Doctor! We need you upstairs in the emergency room! Stat!
Jaded Doctor: What is it this time?
Nurse: There is a hit and run victim in E.R. with a collapsed lung! The young girl needs your expertise right away!
Jaded Doctor: [heavy sigh] Ugh, I’ll be there in a while.