Happy Friday, everybody! This week, please welcome CollegeHumor Guest Editor Phil as he takes us through this week’s top stories from a dude’s perspec.

Okay, first things first. This column is called "Stuff You Don't Care About But Will Help You Get Laid." However, taking dating advice from a guy who sits in his apartment all day writing about celebrities and watching Star Trek (it's either that or CNN) probably isn’t the best thing you can do. But trust me, if a girl needs a little conversation to prove you're not a complete psycho before taking you home, celebrity gossip is just about the quickest way to get her attention. Or so I've been told.

Where to begin? Well, since I'm the editor of Egotastic!, lets start there. Probably the biggest news this week was that Lindsay Lohan almost killed a guy. While trying to flee from the Paparazzi, Lindsay hit one of them with her car, and then fled the scene. The police were called and Lindsay was dragged back to the scene, but once again got off scott free. I wonder if that has anything to do with these. (source: Egotastic!)

Of course, what's a week of celebrity gossip without some news from the ever-so-sane, Britney Spears. Turns out Britney is having a much better time in rehab than anyone would have thought. No, she's not trying to bust out again, and here's why: She has a new boyfriend. That's right, a rehab boyfriend. I really don't know how she manages to do it, but she keeps hitting new lows. (source: IDLYITW)

Celebrity drunkenness is always a great icebreaker, especially when you've had a few, so make sure you tell that girl that it's OK to get plastered. All the cool kids are doing it. Even Fergie, that dude-chick from The Black Eyed Peas. She was so drunk this week that Virgin Atlantic refused to let her board a flight from LA to London. Wow, I didn't know they took the name of their airline so seriously. OK, that was a bad joke. That won't help you with the ladies. (source: DListed)

Carmen Electra also got her name in the news this week, but not for anything nearly as sexy as getting thrown off a plane. She did, however, get thrown off a runway. A fashion runway, that is. The former stripper, Playboy model, and perennial favorite of those who love boobs, took a hard dive after slipping on the catwalk. Who knows, she probably had a few drinks in her too. (source: WWTDD)

And finally, what would a week be without Angelina Jolie stealing a baby from a foreign country? The Baby Raider was in Vietnam this week where she shopped for the latest celebrity accessory (you know, children) and picked out a 3-year-old boy, now named Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt. I'm sure he'll match perfectly with her purse and shoes. That "thud" sound you're hearing is Brad Pitt hitting his head against the wall. (source: PopSugar)

If you've read this far, it probably about time you stopped, and turned off your computer. Go use your new-found trivia and close the deal. Thanks for reading, and thanks to the wonderful folks at CollegeHumor for letting me try my hand at what was once a pretty good column.