I'm an authority on a lot of things: American Idol, staying up late, making clothing out of holiday decorations, even which color crayon to use for Native Americans since Crayola robbed us of Indian Red (answer: Chestnut). Every day people bombard me with upwards of 46 billion questions, and I always have an answer for every single one. I'm like an encyclopedia with the pages glued together and hollowed out and filled with jelly beans. Jelly beans made of knowledge. (Watch out, the brown taste like bullshit.)
I know you guys probably have questions, like, "What's the best way to get to Lakeside Mall from Uptown?" (S. Carrollton to I-10 W.) or "Who would win in a boxing match between Pope John Paul II and Mother Theresa?" (trick question, they're both dead). The problem is, I don't get to see most of you every day, so thousands upon thousands of silent questions stay imprisoned in your thoughts and never get answered. Luckily, the internet makes it pretty easy for us to communicate. Just email me a question -any question at all about anything ever in the entire world- at firstname.lastname@example.org, and I'll answer it as honestly and accurately as I can.
Here's a little taste of the magic to whet your appetites:
What are you eating? It looks disgusting.
-Caitlin L. from the bedroom across the hall
It's sausage wrapped in a pancake on a stick, and it's probably the best food ever.
Katie (your roommate)
Email me, kiddos. I double-dog dare you.