1. You can't outdrink someone who's 538 pounds and used to it.

2. I knew there was no god the minute he let Apollo Creed die in "Rocky IV."

3. Every time I mail a letter it's returned with the words "so useless" stamped on it in red ink.

4. She's always going to screw someone else because she always does.

5. The Tennessee State Police can't do anything right.

6. Most suicides receive standing ovations.

7. No matter what I'm going to catch malaria, so why bother?

8. Going outside leads to being there, and we can't have that.

9. I went to cash my check the other day and the bank teller told me no.

10. I knew there was no hope the minute Apollo Creed died in "Predator."