Light two lanterns, America, because the British are coming! Yes, that's right, this week is BRITISH INVASION Week, and you have no idea how badly I wish I could make those letters be gigantic and flash red and blue. I happen to really like '60s British pop music, and most everyone happened to be pretty good tonight, so it was one of those rare occasions when I actually really enjoyed this shitfest. 1. Haley "Tell Him"Tonight I think it became abundantly clear why I have dubbed this girl "Butterface." That child has some gorgeous gams. Her French braid was on the stupid side (It's BRITISH Invasion, you nitwit, not FRENCH In
sion. Shut up), but she looked pretty amazingly adorable in her little hot pants and backless halter top. She also looked pretty amazingly adorable the way she was prancing around the stage, all happy and pretending she can sing well. Good job, Butterface. Keep showing off those mile-long legs of yours, and there may be hope for you yet.2. Chris R. "Don't Let the Sun See You Cryin'"It made me laugh pretty hard when Peter Noone was talking about how stupid TimberFAKE's voice is. Hasn't he been paying attention to the wildly successful career of J.T.? Historical precedents and my illogical love for TimberFAKE notwithstanding, I wasn't as completely enamored of him tonight as I usually am. The judges all liked his little "sit on a stool and make it painfully obvious that my voice sounds like a dry squeegee on a windshield in the desert" shtick, but I think I appreciate him more when he's bouncing around and smiling at me. Also, I always assumed he was kind of short, but TimberFAKE looks like a giant next to little elfin Seacrest. I kind of really want to snuggle with him in a bean bag chair and watch Ten Things I Hate About You and rub his buzz cut. He reminds me of a teddy bear. A teddy bear who probably always remembers to get Dunkaroos when he goes to the grocery store. 3. Stephanie "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me"Lulu told Stephanie that she reminds her of Beyonce, and Stephanie did a pretty good job of acting like she'd never heard that before. Maybe she really hadn't, though, because tonight she cranked her Sound Like Beyonce dial up from "Cause Recognition" to "Unadulterated Copycat Overkill." The song was all boring, and I really wished I could just run up on stage and smack her and be like, "Wail on this song, you stupid-haircutted emulator!" I just felt like she could have done a very good job, but instead she decided to pretend to be Beyonce for four minutes, which I sort of understand, because Beyonce is pretty and I wish I reminded people of her, but at the same time
Play to your strengths, Stephanie, not to someone else's. Also, I wrote a little math equation while I was watching: boots + dress + jewelery = : ( She needs a new stylist.4. Blake "Time of the Season"I am incredulous regarding the degree to which I find Blake sexy. I mean, the guy looks like Robin Williams in One-Hour Photo. He should be super creepy, but he is such a goddamn musical genius, and when he sang that "Who's your daddy?" line
I dunno. I kind of shivered and blacked out, and when I came to, the stage was still covered in Easter-egg-colored lights and Blake was still dancing all awesome, kind of like a mime who's trying to move so slowly that you can barely tell he's moving at all, but then you notice all of a sudden that he's twelve feet away from where he started and he's somehow holding a basket full of puppies, and they're yipping along to the beat. Also, Seacrest is a bad dancer. Also, Simon and Seacrest are so totally gay for each other and they're sooo not even trying to hide it any more, you guys. 5. LaKisha "Diamonds Are Forever"I mean, I like LaKisha. I think she's a good singer and all. But for serious, she gets more and more boring every week. This week she wasn't even trying. She was just all, "Look at my bling, sparkly sparkly sparkles," and I was like, "Zzzzzzzz." Kick it up a notch, lady! Just because you're better than mostly everyone else doesn't mean you get to slack off. God, black people are so lazy. 6. Phil "Tobacco Road"I always feel like Phil is yelling at me through his songs, like he's shouting, "LOOK AT ME! LIKE ME! I AM TALENTED!" and I'm just nervously inching away from my TV like, "No! Stop! Please don't yell anymore!" He's really aggressive, but it seemed like the band was overpowering his stupid little shouty voice tonight. Also, I don't know this song, but I really want to play it on Guitar Hero. That would totally rock. Oh, ALSO, I hope Phil gets shot in the face. 7. Jordin "I Who Have Nothing"Jordin and Lulu were adorable together in practice. Jordin is gigantic for a 17-year-old. I mean, I've been the same height since I was like 12, but I didn't start to look like a woman (I still don't, but at least I've started) until, like, last year. Anyway, speaking of becoming a woman, Jordin is the prettiest girl ever in the world, and she has excellent eyebrow control, and when she sings I get chills all over my whole body. What I'm trying to say is, I'm pretty sure Jordin gave me an orgasm with her voice. And I'm not kidding about that. Best. Four minutes. EVER.8. Sanjaya "You Really Got Me"I think it needs to be said that before Sanjaya performed, Peter Noone was all, "This is not a singing competition. Sorry, Simon. It's a voting competition." And then Simon proceeded to froth with rage and look like a sourpuss pouty face for the rest of the night. Anyway, once Sanjaya got onto the stage, I could not help but erupt with laughter, because 1) he was wearing, like, a shirt with a hole in the sleeve for this thumbs to go through (?) under a blazer than looked like someone attached a printing press to a truck tire and then drove through white paint and across the front of his jacket and 2) there was a little girl in the audience who was just weeping the whole time. And, I mean, she was like 8 or 9, she wasn't young enough to actually be crying for no reason, and she wasn't just, like, happy crying, she was SOBBING. It was totally nuts. Also, Sanjaya just sucks. There's no way around it. He's completely awful, and I think that girl might have leukemia or something, and this is her Make a Wish Wish, or whatever, so imminent death is a pretty good reason for tears, but still. It appears that she was crying so hard because Sanjaya was just that bad at singing. (It wasn't even singing tonight. It was weird yelling awful bleh.)9. Gina "Paint It Black"Gah, Gina is SUCH a motherfucking poser. I'm pretty much over her. I just
she sounds okay, and everything, but it just pisses me off that one day the judges were like, "Quit being you and be more ROCKER
that's who you really are." And she was just like "Shredded shirts and unnecessary head banging, here I come! Let me just make sure I have my superfluous chains on my pants
okay, check. Now I just hope I don't forget to point to the ceiling for no reason while I'm singing!" 10. Chris S. "She's Not There"I THINK this song is about a dead girl? Mr. Sligh seems less impressive to me every week that I realize he might actually be gaining weight. That's not healthy. It makes him all panty while he's running around the auditorium and singing. He sounded okay, as usual. His voice is pretty, but it was still kind of meh. Also, at the end he and Seacrest were all like "Fro Patro!" and the judges got all mad at Seacrest for promoting a single contestant, and they were like, "Ryan! We'll talk about this later!" and I was like, "OOOOH, Ryan got in trou-ble!"11. Melinda "As Long As He Needs Me"Okay, so you guys know I think Melinda is the greatest thing to ever happen to the music industry or America. It's no secret that I want to carry her around in my bike basket and buy her ice cream and dress her in baby doll clothes.