Ethan: The first weekend of March Madness is behind us, and after spending seventy straight hours on the couch, it's now chemically bonded to my skin. Could be worse, though; I could have contended that Ohio State sucks like, say, Amir did.

Amir: Oh please. All I said is that Ohio State would not make the final four, and if it weren't for a clearly miscalled flagrant foul, they wouldn't have made the sweet 16.

Ethan: Oh, come on, that little touch foul? I was more impressed that Oden was able to foul anyone that hard with a bad right hand. When he's fully healed he'll be able to murder people with his bare hands.

Amir: If I were Oden I wouldn't even show up for the next game against Tennessee. Imagine that: a self-imposed suspension. NBA scouts love maturity!

Ethan: At least one Big Ten team made the Sweet 16. Their fans were right: it's a truly underrated conference. Isn't that right, Wisconsin?

Amir: Wow, what a debacle they were. At least Bo Ryan can now return his red suit for a full refund.

Ethan: It's going to be so awkward when he runs into Sidney Lowe at the Emporium of Ugly Red Blazers. How about Butler? I can honestly say at this point that A.J. Graves is my favorite Gremlin still alive in the tournament. If they play their sweet sixteen game after midnight or near water, watch out!

Amir: Actually, Gizmo is now a nationally ranked high school senior in Chicago. He's leaning towards Illinois.

Ethan: What's your biggest surprise of the tourney so far?

Amir: I would say Texas. That USC game wasn't even close. How about you? maybe its Duke? Who you had in, I believe, the ELITE EIGHT!?

Ethan: You promised not to bring that up!

Amir: No I promised not to bring up you having Oral Roberts in the sweet sixteen.

Ethan:
I just thought maybe McRoberts could play like something other than a complete piece of Duke trash. Nope, I was wrong. I'm ready to give him the title of Cherokee Parks of this Generation. I'll admit that even though VCU was about to bust my bracket and embarrass me by beating Duke, I was screaming for them to win at the end. And as for Oral Roberts, I knew Washington State was due to fail; I just picked one round too early.

Amir: Remember my only tip before the tournament started: PICK NO UPSETS. I had no idea how right I was.

Ethan: That Texas game was unbelievable. Didn't you say Kevin Durant was better than Jesus at basketball?

Amir: You're no fool are you? It takes five.

Ethan: Please, don't talk abut commercials. They have betrayed me. If I see that goddamn Pontiac commercial one more time, I'm going to firebomb a dealership. Who made these things? A sixth grader who started the night before they were due? Because they look a lot like my book report on Johnny Tremain.

Amir: When I was young, I wanted a convertible, but I didn't have the money. My mom found out, and she started taking in peoples' laundry. From then on, there was thirty thousand dollars (in dimes) to buy a convertible on the counter every single day.

Ethan:
I like that Roy Williams will cry after losing a preseason scrimmage but has no problem using stories about his dead mother to shill soft drinks. Classy!

Amir: So now that you've watched 80 hours of college basketball in 4 days, do you think you can make a better championship prediction?

Ethan: I still like Georgetown. Hibbert looks like a really athletic refrigerator out there, and Green can score it. Kansas looked good against Kentucky, but Stanford would have, too. And from the score of their game against Louisville, I think they let their tree play center. Somewhere, Tree Rollins smiles.

Amir: I'm also not concerned about my pre-tournament pick: UNC. Though the way USC dismantled Texas, I'm afraid of that upset special potential. I'm still pissed no double digit seeds made it to the sweet sixteen. I mean, is UNLV the best we can do, America!?

Ethan: Hey, I like UNLV because of the backstory: we now have two catastrophically bad NBA coaches in the Sweet Sixteen thanks to Tim Floyd and Lon Kruger. I really can't wait until Doc Rivers and Terry Stotts are squaring off in the 2015 Final Four.

Ethan: What's the upset special this weekend?

Amir: Tennessee over THE Ohio State University.

Ethan:
You really haven't learned, have you? Although if anyone can neutralize Oden's inside presence, it's the Tennessee Suns. They don't need to go inside; they'll shoot from anywhere on the floor. I think in their first-round game they just took full-court shots rather than inbounding the ball.

Amir: Which brings me to my interesting tournament fact. I assumed the 121 they scored against Long Beach State was a tournament record, and you know what? Not even close

Ethan:
Loyola back in the day? Texas Christian?

Amir: Most points in a tournament game is 149 by Loyola Marymount in 1990! 149! Somebody get me footage of that game. Please.

Ethan: I want for my initial guess to be included in the column.

Amir: Quick rundown of other sports: Mavericks, Tiger, Dice-K … anything I'm missing?

Ethan: Nope, that's it. All boring. Until next week, don't look directly at Joakim Noah.

Amir: It burns!

Amir and Ethan helped write CollegeHumor's new book: Faking It. Available everywhere starting tomorrow!