As Imagined After Consuming 3 Double Vodka and Clubs

12:28 a.m.
Paris Hilton: (speaking on cell phone) I'm Faded Motherfucker!
Me: Nicky?
PH: F-her! She's at home with Kevin. Meet me at In-N-Out, bitch! 4×4's animal style!
Me: Paris. I live in Massachusetts.
Paris: Weak! Come to LA!
Me: Um, ok.
Paris: Oh, this is so not hot.
Me: What?
Paris: Cops are pulling me over.
Me: Don't blow.
Paris: I'll blow if it'll get me off.
Me: Blowing won't get you off.
Paris: Sometimes it does.
Me: What are we talking about?
Paris: I gotta go. One.
(hangs up phone)
Me: I love you…

12:31 a.m.

Police Officer #1: Well, Well, Well.
Police Officer #2: Are you seriously listening to your own CD?
Paris: Uh, YEAH! It's so hot it makes me cry.
PO #1: We pulled you over because you were driving erratically, excessively speeding, and because you're famous, though when Perez Hilton gets hold of this, you'll be IN-famous as well.
PO #1:  Ha.
PO #2:  Ha Ha.
PO #1:  Also, we're both Jewish.
Paris: That's so hot.
PO #2: Is it Miss Hilton? Is it really?
Paris: I'm sorry, I'm a little drunk.  It's not really that hot.
PO #1: Could you please step out of the vehicle?

(A pregnant pause. Paris lowers her sunglasses. It's dark, and she's having trouble seeing.)

PO #1: Umm, Miss Hilton?
Paris: I don't know where the door handle is.

(Police Officer #2 opens the door for her. She smiles, makes a passing joke about 'even the stars are blind' and sashays out to the front of the vehicle.)



PO #2: Please walk along the white line for 10 paces. Turn on your toes, and return.

Paris: How would you like me to walk? Sassy, determined – a debutante weaving through stopped rush-hour traffic on 5th Ave? Or maybe indifferent, like I just saw freckle-face Lohan at Butter?
PO #2: I'd recommend walking in a manner that might convince us that you're sober.
Paris: Boooooring.
PO #1: Just walk the line.

(Paris takes three steps, spins quickly around, and faces the officers. She is pouting and squinting, as if caught in the midst of a sandstorm. With her hands on her hips, she shifts her lithe frame back and forth on her heels. Passing traffic honks at her and she waves.)

PO #1: Jesus Christ.
Paris: Hey, I thought you were Jewish?
PO #2: Miss Hilton, you're under arrest for suspicion of drunk driving.
Paris:  Can we stop at In-N-Out?