Your heart’s racing. Your palms are sweating. You’re pretty bombed, but you can still make out the tiny numbers on the screen. It’s fucking NCAA tourney time, and for those of us who live for March, we are in our glory. My team’s still in the big dance, but even if yours isn’t (suckas!), you’re still rooting for someone, so you can pull in the big green on your bracket pool.

But, for one hour each week, we can wipe off the body paint, silence our screaming cries of rivalry, and all join together under one team’s jersey: Team Lost!


Here’s what went down this week, in a purple-sky flash:

Kate, Locke, Sayid and Frenchy infiltrate the Island Town to rescue Jack, who seems to be almost enjoying himself. Kate and Sayid get kidnapped. Frenchy is off being weird and staring at her long lost daughter. Locke takes the C-4 and blows up the submarine (the only way off the island), which is what Ben wanted anyway. Jack and Juliet were supposed to leave the island, but now they can’t. Locke’s dad shows up on the island (whaaaaa?)

Here’s what we learn:

1.Don’t write Lost updates when you’re tipsy. It’s more difficult than you think.

2.Although nothing is ever certain, it seems like Ben really was planning on letting Jack and Juliet go “home.” But was the sub really the only way off of the island? What about the boat that Michael and Walt supposedly took home? And, also, why was no one guarding that submarine? You keep an eye on a dude playing a piano, and a lock down on a pre-teen boy being brainwashed by tv, but you don’t put anyone on sub duty??

3. There’s a “magic box” on the island that supplies “whatever you wish for.” What do we think about this? I’m hoping that it’s not real. That maybe Locke’s dad is a hologram, or some sort of mind trick that makes you see things that aren’t real. But then again, I just drank a lot of vodka.

4. Locke was in the wheelchair because his dad pushed him out of a window. Eight stories. His dad also killed a boy who figured out that his mom was being conned. It should also be noted that the boy he killed was hot. And, he kinda looks like this boy I just went on a date with….Is this relevant? (Wait. See number 1.)

5.Damn, that Matthew Fox is good. Am I right, ladies? Guys, he cracked the code. We girls don’t like a man who cries, we like a man who looks like he is constantly trying NOT to cry. And, that “I’ll come back for you” whisper?!? SO HOT. My pants came right off when he said that.

6.A few little things: That dude who recruited Juliet is on the island, too. Kate’s jealous of Juliet. Alex was told that her mom died. And, was that the expensive scotch that Locke’s dad was drinking?

7.Locke is a badass. But, he’s a badass who does NOT want to leave this island. I can’t believe he blew up the sub!