Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
In His Latest Term Paper, Gorgax the Alien Appeared Somewhat Racist
March 22, 2007
History of the GompZar Race
By Gorgax Flerm
The GompZar Race began to form in the year 42699, when the prehistoric Swamp FilthRat crawled out of the muck and said “I want to make more of me, but bigger.”
The GompZars were the last race in the universe to develop space travel, largely due to environmental factors like “laziness.” They then became involved in an intergalactic war with the Flying Burpworms. The GompZars were hastily defeated by their waiting enemies due to the fact that, characteristically, the GompZars were three months late for the war. They were then enslaved by the Burpworms for 1,345 glorious years – a period widely known throughout the galaxy for its productivity and peace, during which we can all agree we were better off.
Seriously, I'll enslave a GompZar right now. I'll make it cook me a freaking meal and then I'll beat the living sh
After over 1,000 years of deserved enslavement, the GompZars successfully stole the throne of the nine-headed Emperor Fwux. This demonstrates their capacity for theft that leads us, to this day, to lock the doors to our megapods when we get lost in Sector 7 and find ourselves in a neighborhood of GompZars.
Today’s GompZars are innately good at sports such as MeexBall and Wabber Racing. I can never get a MeexBall court at the gym because there’s usually about ten of them playing and I’m not comfortable joining. GompZars currently live in unstable, dangerous communities. With any luck, GompZars’ infighting may lead them to destroy their own civilization, and maybe then people’s wives won’t leave them for a GompZar like my mom left my dad.
- My dad, Thorgzon
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.