I got an email from my sister the other night. The subject read “FW: David Copperfield…wow!” Oh, great, I thought. A lame email forward. But I obviously clicked on the email because it said David Copperfield. Because he’s an American hero and I support any and everything he does. What a champ.
But to my dismay, when I clicked on the email, as it turns out, my sister forgot to “include the attachments.” So she was just being a Copperfield cocktease, which is the worst kind there is. I was all geared up to scoff at a video of him making a major city disappear, or to giggle at his attempts to saw a flying lady in half, which he does rather well. Instead, I got to see a list of all the people my sister has in her address book. What a thrill.
People, this is very important. If you’re going to waste our time on the internet, have follow through. Include attachments. If you’re posting a video on Youtube and the description reads “Michael Jackson Thriller Outtakes,” it better damn well be outtakes from the video Thriller and not you and your damned comedy troupe dressed up as Jacko doing five minutes of impressions. And if I google Britney Spears Sex Tape, I better not see a flash animation of your dog dancing. Cuz I'll do a whois search, google map your ass and take the next bus out to whatever hick town you're from.
Us internet users, especially regular readers of popular sites like CollegeHumor and DoubleViking.com (got a plug in there, now visit) aren’t stunned observers at work. Those fools can be duped by your fake “viral” in which a girl who’s about to get married cuts off all her hair because she chose to not wash it with Sunsilk shampoo (how dare she). But we’re connoisseurs. And thusly, we demand a certain level of craftsmanship. If the video description reads “Ultimate Prank,” at least one person better end up in tears at the end of the video or it’s time you trade in your camera for an X Box 360 and leave the video making to those of us who’ve got the balls to at least show them on tape (if not put staples in them and give them papercuts).
And we’ve probably now been sending each other email forwards for close to 10 years…so if an attachment was included in the message you were given, let’s remember to include said attachment. Otherwise the chain is broken and you’ll be cursed for 40 years.