1. A brilliant fuck with a pogo stick breaks out on top and never looks back.

2. All the land mines keep going off even when they're not stepped on or ordered to.

3. Instead of handing out cups of water one guy from Mississippi just stands on a way-tall chair and pisses on the runners as they go by.

4. Chuck E. Cheese was winning until his uterus burst.

5. Everyone stops watching the race and begins watching five and a half people fucking in two cars.

6. Nobody can ever finish because they forgot to make a finish line.

7. A hermit crab finally comes out of his shell and starts telling distasteful jokes about ethnic women.

8. The never-say-die scrappy underdog who nobody thought could win does the impossible and still comes in dead last.

9. There were some pigeons hanging around so the President called in air strikes.

10. One day people will say that Vin Doctor gave birth to the 22nd century.