So, the other day they revamped the whole site to include basically an ongoing list of every little thing everyone you know did in the past week down to the minute. Shortly after discovering this, the million billion Facebookers out there let out a resounding "Thank you?" However, there was a silence among the crowd. A wormy, skeevy element to Facebook that no one likes to talk about, yet is seemingly becoming the primary demographic of the website. The stalkers. And no, I'm not talking about the nonexistent stalkers every girl in middle school thought they had when it was really some nice guy who was too shy to ask them out, I mean the real bad "Oh, my precious has just added 'Hanging Out' to her Activities. Must carve into arm," sort of stalkers. Expect to see these updates on Facebook in the coming year, kiddies:
Fall 2006: Webcam AccessHave a webcam? Near a webcam? Know how to say "webcam?" Guess what? From now on, Facebook will eliminate the profile picture feature and replace it with a continuous feed of what you look like right now! Isn't that great? No more taking a thousand pictures of yourself with your roommate's digital camera and then picking out the least ugly / most natural-ish looking one. No more adjusting the color and contrast to hide your zits and scars. No more acquiescing to the fact that your simply not photogenic (read: attractive) and putting up a cute picture of a puppy or something to represent yourself. Now everyone who fawns over your profile will see you, you, you all the time! 24/7! Yes, even when you're not hooked up to the internet. Look, there's you in bed now. You don't have a webcam? Uh don't worry about that. No, we were not in your room. Go To Sleep! Go To Sleep!
Holiday Season 2006: Secret SantaramaThis is fun. This December, Facebook will choose a random friend from your friend list. Yes all of them, even the ones you haven't spoken too since your class with them ended, even the high school friends who now go to Alaska University, even the person you don't know but added to your friends anyway (guess what kind of person they are!) A random one will be chosen to be your secret santa! They will be given a copy of your address, which Facebook does have. Yes. And all they have to do is figure out what you want! Should be easy, considering they have a complete list of your favorite activities, movies, and bands. They can see what kind of stuff you already have because they can see your room (now). And if they're slick they can do other things such as figure out what kind of cell phone you have from the number you so cleverly displayed, or send messages to everyone you know, or just poke you incessantly for no reason. Aren't the holidays fun? And don't forget! You have to give a gift too! Note: when you're writing the card, it's probably not a good idea to write, "Dear Weird-Smelling Club Foot Girl Who Friended Everyone On Our Floor The First Day,"
Spring 2007: Poke 2.0By this point you will have allowed Facebook to seep into so many people's lives that it is only a matter of time until it becomes self-aware. With Ragnarok at hand, the technicians at Facebook HQ have decided to spend what time they have left sprucing up their own rose garden. Poking was originally designed to be useless and harmless. All it did was inform the pokee that they had been poked by the poker or pokemon. It was perfect for people too cowardly to add a stranger as a friend, and too uninteresting to actually contact them. With Poke 2.0, you can send a different message. When a user is poked, our UB-Omega Supervirus (designed in North Korea) is implemented. The user's operating system is seized and all of their programs and files are disabled. (and copied and sent to the one who poked them not to mention Facebook HQ) It is literally as if God Himself has brought down his mighty finger and poked your computer. This occupation continues until you acknowledge the poker and, like, maybe hang out sometime.
The Future:Facebook will be not only for college, grad school, and high school students. It will be for middle school students as well. And elementary school, and kindergarten, and preschool will all be blessed by Facebook. But Facebook shall extend outside the educational system. All places of business shall accept Facebook. In the future, expect the stock exchange to be carried out in the same manner that you update your status. But it goes further than that. The entity formerly known as Facebook will permeate government as well. Chief Justices will be poking US Secretaries and Macedonia will be invited into a group called "European Union," but they'll decline because Bulgaria sent it and they were waiting for Greece to invite them. Facebook will be in every home and every mind. No information will be secret to Facebook. Yet if you were to ask it if entropy can be reversed it will solemnly respond, "INSUFFICIENT DATA FOR A MEANINGFUL ANSWER," and then you'll ask, "Has Michelle put up any new pictures yet?"