Recently while surfing the internet as I'm want to do on a slow Thursday afternoon (okay it was late Saturday night) I happened upon a website that promised a bizarre "trick" that I "would not want to miss". I took the bait and gambled away my $9.99 to view this "trick" that would leave me, I hoped, spellbound. I wondered if the trick involved a disappearing birdy or an emerging rabbit as these illusions have always left me charmed and delighted. It was a few minutes later when I witnessed the worst thing since my ex wife Britney shaved her head. A woman (a seemingly normal sweet woman) was showing off a talent whereby she had a gentleman, (a seemingly normal sweet gentleman) insert his entire head into her vagina! Yes, you read right, his entire adult head
INTO her vagina. I don't know what they expected this writer’s reaction to be, but I can tell you it was far from charmed and delighted.
Has it really come to this? Have we as a society finally reached the point where we've actually become bored with the vagina? The vagina, the most magical and beautiful of all of god’s creations, reduced to a carnival side show? I've always thought of the vagina as one of the last remaining vestiges of all that is good in the world. Never has anyone ever looked at a vagina and thought anything but peaceful and generous thoughts. The environment evaporates around us, nations oppress and torture their people but all throughout one important fact refuses to wane; The Vagina is loved. Even Arabs killing themselves in the name of Allah are doing it for 72 of those puffy little pink puddin pops. I'm pretty sure not even a love of the almighty can convince anyone to blow themselves up for 72 whoppers (no offense King). There's just something about that adorable sweet little cul-de-sac of moisture that brings men of all races together.
So having said that I will force myself to look upon that horrible website as a terrible aberration, a momentary lapse of reason in our society's consciousness. I will do my part now by offering this healthy alternative. Being that I'm generally known as the foremost vagina expert of our time (Winner five years running of the Eisenhower Vagina lover award). I decided to fight this offense with a good defense. I've compiled a list of the top questions I've heard over the years about the Vagina and have attempted to answer them as fully and honestly as possible. Some may agree, some may disagree, but all will discuss and this, this is my reward. To open a dialogue so that we as a society may finally bring this Moist slit of mystery out of the dark and into our mouths.
Question: Okay Mitch, I hear you, we're not supposed to put our head into a vagina. So what can we put in it?
I know this sounds crazy, but have you tried your Penis? Yes, your penis! I know it sounds nuts and maybe a bit old school but trust me the good ol penis in the vagina still can't be beat? No matter how hard you try to deny it's effectiveness I'm sure you'll find the vagina feels absolutely sensational on your penis. Many times I've even found myself moaning or promising the girl certain future plans or expensive items all because her vagina feels so delectable. Now that you know what to put there what shouldn't you put there? Well most importantly never put Carrot top there. Never ever put a toaster in your vagina. I know, I know, everyone's doing it! Well, not only is it in bad taste but it leaves your vagina smelling like a dirty bakery. Dr Bluberg of the Swedish Vagina Institute has this to say about toaster insertion "our continued studies have found no positive benefits from putting a toaster in your vagina." I have seen numerous cases in which a woman after having a toaster inserted in her vagina has later exclaimed, "I wish I hadn't put that toaster in my vagina." In Minneapolis four house fires were blamed on this alarming practice. Your vaginas are very small and except in extreme cases where a vagina can comfortably house a toaster (i.e. Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton) we universally frown upon and try to dissuade this practice.*
*All major brand of Toasters were tested and though Dr. Bluberg doesn't condone it he does mention that if you must put a toaster in your vagina the GE 4 Slice bagel toaster was the safest of all current toasters."
Question: Every time I put my penis in the vagina it just feels to gosh darn good. No matter how hard I try to make it not feel as good it feels even better! Sometimes I get so mad at my girlfriend’s vagina I yell, "Why do you have to feel so good Vagina?!"
Answer: Did God make it feel too good at times? Obviously yes, but yelling at the vagina for this does nothing but bring shame to the vagina's owner and cause embarrassment and humiliation for both partners. Sometimes you just have to say, "Hey Vagina, you win!" I learned this lesson one time when I was yelling at my girlfriend’s Vagina, after realizing this did nothing I finally stopped and said "Vagina, you feel wonderful and I am no match for you!" Well guess what, it didn't make the Vagina feel any worse but my sensitivity did impress the Vagina's owner who then let me have 3 more rounds with her vagina to try and get it right. Talk about turning lemons into lemonade.
Question: I love my girlfriend’s vagina, but not her so much. What's one to do?
Three words, Join the club. Unfortunately it's very rare one finds themselves as enamored with their girlfriend as much as they are with her vagina. Unfortunately though there is no way around this most basic of truths. You can never have a vagina unless the girl around it likes you and so do everything in your power to make her like you. Being that the vagina pays you back so wonderfully one can only ascertain from this stunning revelation that god wants us to take care of the person who hosts the vagina. Pay homage to God’s greatest gift by treating the women who carry them with nothing but respect and adulation. I'm sure you will find the vagina pays you back threefold.
Question: I love vaginas, so much that sometimes I enjoy putting my penis in other ones. However, this seems to upset the girl whose vagina I am currently putting it in.
The only problem with the vagina seems to be that it suffers from what I call the "Chip" factor. No matter how hard you try, you can't eat just one! This, however, is frowned upon by most women (and some men who love Jesus). Don't ever, ever, let a girl with one vagina know that there is a girl with another vagina that you think you would appreciate more than hers. This can never have a positive outcome. Try very hard to avoid showing your affection to another Vagina. On occasion you may find yourself somehow in the company of another vagina, not quite knowing how it happened. When this is over you may find yourself dealing with remorse and guilt. These moments will pass in exactly 6 minutes and you will be fine again. If those six minutes are unbearable find something to amuse yourself with until these absurd feelings pass. There are a number of things you can do; here are 3 ideas: 1-Play darts 2-Do a puzzle 3-Practice some funky dance moves.
So there it is, all in a nutshell. Your Vagina handbook. Of course there are a myriad of issues I haven't been able to cover in today's article "What to do when you encounter a "not so fresh" vagina" and "How do I make my vagina happy?" but for now you can finish out the school year with the above tips to ensure many happy years with the vagina of your choice.
Mitch Fatel's Comedy Central special airs April 6th at 10 PM.