According to SportsIllustrated.com, LeBron James is building a house for himself that will include a movie theater, a bowling alley, a casino, and a huge limestone sculpture of his head. Whatever, LeBron. Lame city. Doesn't the White House have a bowling alley and a movie theater? Yawn. There's a reason W's never been on Cribs.

You're lucky I don't have your kind of money, Mr. James. Because if I did, I'd build my super house right across the street from yours. And you'd be all sitting in your stupid casino betting your own money against yourself while I was swimming in my money bin, Scrooge McDuck style. My house would totally embarrass your house. Check out my awesome rooms that you wish you had:

  • The Hot Chicks Room: Ever since I saw this on the Upright Citizens Brigade, I knew I had to have one. It'd be like the Playboy Mansion, but in one room. One, uh…really big room. The hot chicks would do awesome things like pillow fight, give people massages, and starve themselves. They would also have to take a mandatory vow of silence.
  • The Smells Like Pizza Room: This room would always smell like pizza.
  • The Anti-Gravity Room: If you're like me, you're still bitter you never won a trip to Space Camp from Double Dare. I don't know if Space Camp even had an anti-gravity room, but I always assumed they did. So my house will have one. If the anti-gravity room is too extreme for you, there would be a room located next to it that just had a bouncy castle.
  • The Whites Only Room: You know, to separate the laundry. It's across from the Colors Only Room. Two rooms, separate but equal. Why, what were you thinking?
  • The Laser Tag Room: Self explanatory, except for the fact that it will be designed to look like the "Temple" board from Goldeneye for N64. Players will be required to wear big heads.
  • The Secret Room: This room will only be accessible by – hooooooo, nice try buddy.
  • The Abortion Clinic: We have to keep the chicks in the hot chicks room hot, don't we?
I'd also have a fireman's pole to slide downstairs on, like in Ghostbusters. And also a roller coaster.

So enjoy your house for now, LeBron James. It's just a matter of time before you're PWN3D. By me. Bitch.