Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
God Blog V
March 28, 2007
Eyes Wide Shut (
Is going on!!!)
Ugh, guys I'm so sorry I haven't been blogging a lot lately. I've been crazy busy this week (some stuff with an ecclesiastic counsel… don’t ask). I’m also really behind on my natural disaster quota this month and it’s already the 28th, but I’ll take a little break to talk about what’s been on my omnipotent mind.
Speaking of work, I feel really lucky to have a job that I love. I mean, yeah, there are some days I just want to say "F*ck it," and be a water nymph or cherub but overall I love what I do. I could do without having to make the sun rise every day and I hate – I
– tides (do you guys even need those anymore? If not, they’re gone). But for every crappy part of My job there are a million perks. For instance, I know everything. It’s great watching you guys try to figure out things like “how did the universe come into being from nothing” (It’s so simple!) Plus, I've seen every famous person on the toilet. Billy Joel takes
dumps and when he’s having trouble he hums Uptown Girl, it’s so weird. I didn’t build him like that or did I? ;)
So, like, you know how you're a different person when you're young and then you grow up and you look back like 'what the hell was I saying?" Shit happens to Me, too. Like when I read the bible or whatever and I hear some of the shit I was saying, I'm like "Medamn, what the fuck?" Perfect example: "I will make you a fisherman of men." Seriously, I must have been high. That doesn't even make sense. Men don't live in the water.
This just in: Gabriel is a turd.
I got a new guitar
(Fender acoustic/electric I got a deal, it’s awesome)
and I took it down to the Plains of Eternal Goodwill to practice a bit. I know a few chords but I'm not great (I could just will Myself to be the best, but that would take the fun out of it, ya know). Anyway, I'm doing a decent job on "Free Falling" when Gabriel comes by and starts ragging on me. He's all, "What is that shit, it hurts my ears, blah blah blah." And it’s like, I'm just learning, cut Me some slack. I wish he still had descendants on earth so I could give them cancer. Hey Gabriel, you’re My messenger right? Here’s a message to give yourself – go to hell, literally.
You know, everyone is always asking Me, "do you hate fags?" Let Me clear the air on this crap once and for all. 1. I don’t like the word 'fag.' I mean, I use it when one of My friends is being gay or whatever, but I don't like it in a mean way (if that makes any sense). Now, I don't hate gay people but I just don’t get it. Two chicks makes total sense, they’re beautiful creatures. But two dudes? I designed them to be ugly, smelly beasts. Why would they want to be with each other? I wish I could understand it but, alas, the mysteries of the human heart elude even Me. (Just kidding, I know everything, remember?)
Oh snap, I had the craziest idea the other day, tell Me what you guys think: What would you think if I made a new kind of natural phenomenon that devastated the surrounding area? I’m thinking it would have something to do with ice, maybe. Ground ice that grows out of the ground? I dunno, I’ll give you more details when I think about it more.
- I want to answer your questions about whatever, so message Me. Here’s one I get a lot.
“My doggy died, is he in heaven with the angels?”
- Angela, age 9
Nope. Dogs don’t go to heaven. They go to hell, where they torment the souls of the wicked. That’s where your dog is now, sinking his fangs into a rapist’s neck probably. Also, he now has two extra heads, death in his eyes, and he barks flames. You think I’m strange? That Lucifer is one twisted fuck. Thanks for writing in, Angela!
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.