We all did it. We saw the two sexy yet nameless passengers starting out as glorified extras and eventually graduating to half-ass cast members with a few more lines. We thought we knew exactly what was up. We thought we were smart. We thought, “Listen, Lost writers. We know what the fuck you’re up to. We remember the Dr. Arzt Syndrome. You’re going to quickly introduce us to these guys and then quickly kill them off.”
We were so sure of it that we got cocky. So much so that even when the fake-out stripper death foreshadowed the fake-out island deaths, we totally missed it. And, when we saw Nikki collapse on the beach, we thought, “Duh! I knew this was gonna happen. Tell me something I don’t know!”
And, then, we were kicked right in the cunt with a dose of Lost reality. Because, we must remember, NOTHING is what it seems.
Here’s what went down this week, in a tiny Russian doll:
Nikki (our rarely featured beach dweller) runs through the jungle with her panties in a bunch, buries something important looking, and then “dies” on the beach in front of Sawyer and Hurley. A flashback sequence – coupled with a rarely used time travely flashback sequence of island events – reveals that Paulo and Nikki are lovers who conned and murdered an old dude for some diamonds. Paulo found the diamonds after the crash and has been hiding them from Nikki, so she paralyzes him with a spider, which also paralyzes her. Everyone thinks they are dead, and they are BURIED ALIVE!
Here’s what we learn:
1. Nikki’s an actress, kind of a bitch, and looks great in a sparkly bikini.
2. When there’s no “previously on” at the start of the episode, chances are we won’t learn anything new, and the episode can pretty much stand on its own. It was kind of like a short film…great within itself, with twists and turns, but not really needed to advance any major plot points.
3. Nikki’s an idiot. She’s got great tits (those not very big, but very nicely shaped kind…which, as a thin girl myself, I am a big supporter of), but she’s not too quick. Cases in point: She tells Paulo – who’s Brazilian – that they missed Thanksgiving – which is an American holiday. And, she totes did not listen to Arzt when he said that the Medusa spider would attract other spiders.
4. Charlie tells Sun that he kidnapped her. This was only useful so that Sun could bitch slap Sawyer.
5. Billy Dee Williams looks fantastic. Star Wars, Colt 45 commercials, and Lost?!? That’s the fucking entertainer’s trifecta right there, motherfuckers!
6. Alternate camera angles evoke odd emotions. When we see new views of the plane wreckage, and an alternate take on Jack’s “live together; die alone” speech, we realize that we really had ostracized certain passengers right from the get-go. So, let’s not be douchebags, people. Invite that loner kid to sit with you at the dining hall tomorrow. Who knows…you may find out that he looks great in a sparkly bikini.