Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
March 29, 2007
It's been a whole week since we've learned something I get the sense that you're starved for important information. That's why
and I are happy to sit you down, remind you to turn off your cell phones and school you in the ways of
We all know Slick Willy got his D wet, but what about the thousands of other presidents this country has had? Turns out a bunch of them liked to have sex with people other than their wives, too. Who knew?!
Though he never was president, Hamilton's adventures deserve a mention here because, honestly, that dude was stone pimpin' long before our culture decided to drop the 'g' from the 'ing' suffix to give it more street cred. While he was Secretary of the Treasury, Hamilton decided to "console" a sad woman named Maria Reynolds. Though she was married, Hamilton continued to "console" her with his special brand of 7 1/2-inch-sympathy for a long time. Eventually, her husband got sick of all the good Hamilton was doing and decided to do something about it. No, he didn't shoot Hamilton (that would be a little later) instead he blackmailed him for $1,000. I know what you're thinking: "Big deal, I spent that much at Senor Frogs last week." True, you did and it was worth it, but back then $1,000 was a third of his salary. On the bright side, the blackmailer and the blackmailee worked out a deal where Hamilton could continue to "console" Ms. Reyonlds for additional payments. What a deal!
Hammy may have spent some cash to be up in dem guts, but Harding shelled out some serious, serious cash to keep his penis hidden inside a lady named Carrie Phillips. Over the course of their 15-year affair Harding forked over $5,000 a year in shut-up-or-I'll-hurt-you money, a brand new Cadillac and, best of all, a $20,000 round-the-world trip when news of the affair would have ruined his election. But wait, there's more!
Harding wasn't happy with just one mistress so he acquired another named Nan Britton. Britton and Harding would bump uglies in the White House closets often and would have got caught by Harding's wife once if not for a talented secret service agent. Say what you will about the
, but those dudes would never narc out a bro.
The lamest affair in presidential history falls in the polio-stricken lap of
. Big Wheels, as he was known around the White House, rolled his way into the hearts and vaginas of more than a few ladies. First he got busy with his wife's secretary, Lucy Mercer. When his haggish wife found out she tried to put ruin the party be demanding they stop getting horizontal. They did, for a bit. But what's the leader of the free world to do when his wife says he can't bang her secretary? Simple, bang his cousin, White House secretary Missy LeHand. (Roosevelt was a bit of an incestuous soul, his wife was his cousin as well)
also had his way with the Princess of Norway, just for kicks. Finally, proving himself to be the ultimate pimp, when the great leader died it was in the arms of Lucy Mercer. Take
and Ms. Monroe had a little something something going on, but did you know that he also nailed the following women: Secretary Pamela Turner, movie star Angie Dickinson, famed stripper Blaze Starr, Danish journalist Inga Arvad, B-movie actress Jayne Mansfield and, in a prophetic way, White House intern Marion Fahnstock. Playa fo sho, but unlike all these other fellows, Kennedy had a fine looking woman wearing his ring which makes his affairs even more crazy. Nobody was lining up to get into Eleanor Roosevelt's bed, but Jackie O? Damnnnnnnnnn.
James Garfield had an affair with an 18 year-old New York Times reporter named Lucia Gilbert Calhoun until his wife caught wind of the affair and made him decide between them. He stuck to his marriage like a loser.
Lyndon Johnson, who referred to his own Johnson as “Jumbo”, shagged Madeleine Brown for 21 years (and fathered her son) all behind his wife Lady Bird’s back. Meanwhile he was also busying himself with the movie actress Helen Gahagan Douglas and the knock-out Alice Glass—apparently, the latter eventually dumped him because of his politics on Vietnam. In case you don't know his politics on Vietnam, they were "burn children."
Finally, the only president to actually be called 'The Pimp.' It’s not quite an affair, but John Quincy Adams got slapped with the nickname “The Pimp” after he offered his kids’ nanny as a “gift” for a night to the Czar of Russia. First one's free, after that you pay.
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