Paul Frank
English 150
February 27, 2006
Global warming! Global warming! If that got your attention, you’re probably a liberal. If that didn’t get your attention, you’re not reading this right now. So the only people who are still reading this are those who push the global warming myth. Those who can’t afford a car; so they attribute them to causing astronomical, absurd climate problems. Those who don’t take showers and smell like incense and sweat. Those who know all the answers to our problems, but can’t set down their 6-foot bong to pick up a voting ballot or a job application. Global warming is the pussy’s way of whining “I’m too hot, but it’s not my fault, it’s society’s fault.”
Instead of reaching for a fan, the hippies reach for an argument, coming up with a bogus term called ‘global warming’. Now I could point to the recent blizzard our town just received and call that proof enough that global warming doesn’t exist. But I’m not some dumb, racist Blue Collar TV viewer, so I’m going to use hard, concrete, black…science. First off, the melting of the polar ice caps is a supposedly ‘strong’ piece of evidence that supports global warming. Let me throw a year out for you: 1914. Still don’t get it? Let me throw a ship out for you (like God did with this one): The Titanic. It ran into a floating iceberg! Ice has been melting since even before we had cars. Ever left an ice cube tray out after using a couple cubes because you were too lazy to put it back? Notice that the next day, your hungover ass found that ice cube tray completely melted – in your air-conditioned home? Ice melts anywhere – in any conditions, in any temperature (well, not in temperatures below the freezing point, but whatevs). Now that I’ve refuted the melting of ice caps argument and owned you, let’s move on, shall we?
Another argument the global warming pushers (that’s not the only thing they push, if you know what I mean) (…they’re gay) is that factory pollution also is bad for our o-zone layer. Okay, so first you attack the long, round tailpipes from cars and now the immense, erect brown, emitting smokestacks from factories. And you say that these emissions are penetrating and hurting the delicate ‘o-zone’. What, are you a lesbian or something? Nothing wrong with being a lesbian, just keep your sexual preferences and your scientific arguments separate, alright? Thanks. If you don’t understand the symbolic imagery, double entendres, and homosexual leanings there, you’re not educated enough to even be arguing for one side or the other.
Global warming has become more topical lately, and it’s all because of a fucking movie. Is that what it takes to get you liberals interested in anything? The concept of global warming has been around for a long time, but it takes a movie to get you Al-Gore-worshipping cunts active, at least on message boards and conversations with any passer-by who will listen at your family’s Thanksgiving get-together. Just because Al Gore was almost president instead of the guy you love to hate, George Bush, doesn’t mean he’s going to change the world. Clearly he missed his chance when he accepted the loss to George Bush. Fuck, I believe Al Gore won that election, too, fair and square, he’s just a pussy for not fighting more for the win. Shit, the claims about global warming that you take as gospel come from the guy who claimed to invent the internet! Some people still call him Vice President Gore. If you’re gonna do that, I assume you mean the vice president of spreading bullshit and lies.
In conclusion, I just owned you. You probably saw An Inconvenient Truth, wet your pants, and now cry wolf about global warming. You probably do the same thing every time you see a documentary. Same shit happened with 9/11: Loose Change, I’m sure. You people make me sicker than Michael Moore does. But only because there’s more of you than there are Michael Moores. Everyone’s p*ssies got all wet because of Fahrenheit 9/11, but not anyone who mattered. People of stature could see that Michael Moore probably eats all the time, is probably spoiled and whiny, and thus got annoyed with him. He ended up being more detrimental than beneficial to the liberal cause, ultimately costing John Kerry the election and giving us four more years of George W. Anyway, back to the conclusion at hand, I have refuted every argument the global warmers throw at us good, God-fearing, hard-working individuals. The melting ice caps and the car and factory pollution claims ain’t got shit on fact, bitch. Fact beats scissors, paper, rock, and hippies. Lastly, I showed you that not only would I be more inclined to believe conspiracy theories from Arty the local neighborhood African-American bum than Al Gore, but just because something’s in a documentary doesn’t mean it’s true.
Works Cited
An Inconvenient Truth. Dir. Davis Guggenheim. Perf. Al Gore. 2006. DVD. Paramount,2006.
Frosted animal cookies. Keebler. 2005. Battle Creek, MI. Fully frosted shortbread animalshapes.