In September 2006, Stacy Ann Ferguson, or Fergie as she is best known, shocked the world by starting her own solo career. The first single was entitled 'London Bridge', which, had been previously undiscovered by me until about 1 am last night. I was so moved by its lyrical storytelling and literary poise that I feel obligated to analyze what will soon be hailed as a song greater than the 1812 Overture.

Oh sh*t, oh sh*t, oh sh*t.
Are you ready for this?
Oh, sh*t!
Oh!


Fergie’s chorus of deep voices (Who I assume belongs to her group of man-slaves) is alerting the general public that they are about to be assaulted by her dope beats, accompanied by an atypical meter.

It's me
Fergie
The pimp
Paulo!
Fergie Ferg, what's up baby?!
Come on


Not unlike Herman Melville started his epic “Moby Dick”, Fergie introduces herself at the beginning of her masterpiece in the first person. Note her defiance towards typical gender roles in calling herself ‘The Pimp’. Feminists could learn a thing or two from this courageous crooner.

When I come to the clubs, step aside (Oh, shit)
Pop the seats, don't be hating me in the line (Oh, shit)
V.I.P 'cause you know I gotta shine (Oh, shit)
I'm Fergie Ferg
And me love you long time (Oh shit)

Fergie makes headway into the song by establishing her dominance, and addresses her peers by asking them not to resent her status as a star. Also, she proves that you don’t have to be an underage Asian call-girl to say ‘Me love you long time’.

All my girls get down on the floor (Oh, shit)
Back to back drop it down real low (Oh, shit)
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho (Oh, shit)
'cause you know I don't give a fuck so here we go! (Oh shit)


What follows next is a call for female camaraderie. Fergie recognizes that today’s culture paints a unflattering portrait of inter-female relations, and urges other members of her gender to join her in the elegant celebration of dancing like a streetwalker. In admitting she is gyrating her womanly assets in a way typically unladylike, she is challenging the double-standard in America that women can’t be sexy and respected at the same time.

[Chorus (x2):]
How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge wanna go down
Like London London London wanna go down
Like London London London be going down like


The most haunting part of the song, the Chorus challenges the listener with a rhetorical demand. How come everytime I come around her London London Bridge want to go down? This is widely regarded as the most cryptic part of a song, and most have asserted that either Fergie is in love with an architect, or this is a subtle criticism of European engineering.

The drinks start pouring
And my speech start slurring
Everybody start looking real good (Oh, shit)


Buried within this musical journey is a cautionary message about alcohol. While many experts say that Fergie included this verse so the song could be used in drug education classes, this report has since gone unconfirmed.

The Grey Goose got your girl feeling loose
Now I'm wishing that I didn't wear these shoes (I hate heels)
It's like every time I get up on the dude
Paparazzi put my business in the news
And I'm like get up out my face (oh, shit)
'fore I turn around and spray your ass with mace (oh, shit)
My lips make you wanna have a taste (oh, shit)
You got that? I got the bass (Uh)


As the song gains even more momentum, Fergie reintroduces the sub-theme of women trying to have fun while still conforming to social norms. Sure, men can get a little wasted on vodka, but do they have to wear high-heels (women’s cross to bear)? In a sense, ‘London Bridge’ is not unlike the stations of the cross.

Our musical mastermind then challenges the constitutional right to free press in citing problems with the Paparazzi. An uncomfirmed source says that Fergie meant for the song to foray into the political arena. Yes, our founding fathers intended for the press to be free in order to protect our god-given rights, but how far is too far?

At the end of perhaps the most striking verse is yet another allusion to women using their sex appeal as a means of dominance. Yes, Fergie’s lips do make you wanna have a taste, but remember, she has the bass (the true power, perhaps a nod to women’s right to vote.)

[Chorus x2]

Ah, da, da, da, da, doo, doo, doo, doo
[Speech:]
Me like a bullet type, you know they comin' right
Fergie love em' long time
My girls support right?


Fergie employs a crossover metaphor of a bullet (possibly advocating a violent overthrow of women’s cultural mores), while at the same time employing a call for companionship among females.

Ah, da, da, da, da, doo, doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo
Ah, da, da, da, da, doo, doo, doo, doo


While this interlude may seem meaningless, if each ‘da’ is translated as a ‘dot’ in morse code, and each ‘doo’ is a ‘dash’, it would seem that Fergie has included the beginning to Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre. The literary classic, not unlike ‘London Bridge’, is considered a landmark for female empowerment in culture.

[Speech:]
Me like a bullet type, you know they comin' right
Fergie love em' long time
My girls support right?


(See above, repeated for emphasis)

Another A.T.O.
Cali collabo
Fergie and Paulo


Perhaps the most controversial lyric of the song, many have debated the meaning of the acronym of ‘A.T.O.’ . This scholar agrees with the most popular notion that it stands for "Analogous Term Overstated."

Cali collabo is a nod to the fact that the collaboration was made in California, and may or may not be a sarcastic endorsement of governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has a sordid past of disrespecting women.

We, the listening audience, are remindedthat it is her singing, andher producer Paulo Da Don credits himself.

When I come to the clubs, step aside (Oh, shit)
Pop the seats, don't be hating me in the line (Oh, shit)
V.I.P because you know I gotta shine (Oh, shit)
I'm Fergie Ferg
And me love you long time (Oh, shit)


(See Above)

All my girls get down on the floor (Oh, shit)
Back to back drop it down real low (Oh, shit)
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho (Oh, shit)
'cause you know I don't give a fuck so here we go! (Oh, shit)


Fergie repeats her intial verses to emphasize she will not kowtow to cultural stereotypes for her gender.

[Chorus x2]

Shittin' all over the world
Fuck you bitches!


Global Warming.