Two destroyers of children. One of them, the state forces you to attend. The other, your parents force you to attend if they want you to believe in Jesus. Let's see how they stack up.
|Elementary school||Sunday school|
|"Fart" is a naughty word!||On the word "fart"||"Fart" is a naughty word and you'll burn in hell for saying it, you little shit!|
|Umm whoever taught you that word? .hehe babies come from storks, silly!||On abortion||If you have an abortion, you'll burn in hell!|
|Don't eat too many cookies! You don't want to end up like Joey, do you? Now take this dodgeball and throw it at Joey while he tries waddling to safety.||On child obesity||Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, and you'll burn in hell for it! Now hand me one of those cupcakes Katie's mother was kind enough to have made for us. You know what, hand me two. Oh, hell, give me the whole box! Don't look at me like that! If you judge people, you'll burn in hell!|
|Hoo boy this is an awkward question you see, when a man and a woman love each other very didn't you ask me a question like this earlier? Jesus, kid, I want to keep my fucking job!||On sex||If you have sex before you're married, you'll burn in hell! Wait until you get married, like me. Then you can come home every night to the man you realize I actually hate. But because of my religion, I have made a lifelong commitment to him for richer or poorer for richer or poorer|
Listen, if you think you can take him, go for it. But I should probably remind you that you're about the size of one of his arms, and last night I saw him eating a live puppy. Why don't I talk to him? Because I'm fucking scared of him, that's why! I mean, even if I did manage to pop him once while he was drilling me into the ground, I lose my job. My family and I have to move, it'll be impossible to get another teaching job with that on my record, is that what you want?! Do you want me to lose my fucking job?!
|On bullies||Look, I don't give a shit what you do, kid. I'm only doing this job so everyone will forget about last year at the turkey dinner when I punched one of the volunteers because he gave me a small piece of pie.|