The jingle of keys in fanny-packs, the smell of old people, and your College’s corporate logo – er, “emblem” – plastered on the front of plastic tote-bags. Must be time for campus tours again! I don’t mind the crowds of gawking parents and bored high-schoolers, until I get stuck behind one as they’re walking past [some building] and the leader pauses and spouts [some fact] on [something that nobody cares about]. Who would have guessed that Johnson Hall was named after some guy named Johnson? Now I’m late for class: damn you, tour group!

A small list of things I’d like to do around tour groups but never had the guts (or number of people necessary) to pull off. If you’ve ever been caught behind one, you know what I mean.

  1. “Some portions toll”. Sorry folks, our pathway reconstruction committee has established a toll of $0.59 for this portion of sidewalk. Exact change only.
  2. Lynch Mob. Takes about 10-15 accomplices, a length of rope, and some running shoes; use some discretion when picking your runner.
  3. Homeless Crazy Person. Works best on campuses where you wouldn’t normally find crazy homeless people (sorry, Blue). Beg for money, food, “some credits”, or proof of the existence of God.
  4. Blind leading the blind. Wrangle yourself a tour group and see how far you can lead them away from campus before they catch on. Current world record is 1.17 miles.
  5. Picket line. Nobody crosses a picket line unless they’re a dirty, good-for-nothing scab. You’re not a scab, right grandma?

Comment your own suggestions.