Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
A Realtor Shows a Fraternity House
April 2, 2007
Well here we are; the current Phi Omega Sigma house. As you know, they're being asked to vacate the house immediately. Right, following the three pledge deaths in March. But, the speedy eviction of these tennants means you'll pay much less than the house is worth, so hey, that's good news for you. Oh by the way, You understand we couldn’t get everybody who lives here to leave during the viewing, right?
Come on in here with me into the foyer. Oh yay, we are here just in time to witness one of the house’s oldest traditions. These fifteen young men you see standing here in their boxers passing a raw egg to each other mouth to mouth are called pledges. What a joyful prospect it is to think that you can live in a residence so rich with history! Let's low five.
Ah, this is the living room. I know what you're thinking; and yes, these eight vinyl couches DO come with the residence. Smell? I don't notice anything. Hmm, I have a cold, I'm sure it's fine. Nothing a little scrubbing in between the cracks on these soft wood floor won't fix.
What’s that? Well yes, that is a "puke" stain if you want to be a herb about it. But, I mean, it is a stain that came from Richard Wilmington, the fraternity’s founding father. You are looking at a piece of regurgitation history. Your grand-kids will be telling their children about that stain. Dick Wilmington is a fucking legend. Pardon my french.
Let’s go ahead and look around upstairs where most of the bedrooms are. It seems that most of the other house occupants are gathering around up here. Don't worry, the carpet in the hallway is always moist. It's actually great for those hot summer months, walking through the hall barefoot can be refreshing. Saves you money on joining the pool club, am I right? There's only one "bathroom" on the floor, but it's got 4 stalls in it and two urinals, so I hardly think you can complain.
Sure, good idea, let's go back downstairs. Oh, good though, out the back door, I can show you the yard. Alright, wait, you're not even looking. Where are you going?
! Whatever. Dude, pass me a Natty.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.