Tony Bennett arrives to act as musical and spiritual guru for the nine Idolers who are left, which promises for a boring show, if nothing else. Mr. Bennett, winner of 15 Grammy Awards and Las Vegas's favorite octogenarian, claims that the music he sings is comprised of the "best songs ever written in America." If that's true, then he his newest album will obviously be featuring "White Houses" and "Gin & Juice." Also, as my roommate so astutely observed, Paula is dressed like the Hamburglar tonight.
1. Blake "Mack the Knife"
I am so much in love with Blake and how he is from the future that I am willing to ignore the fact that his pants and his jacket didn't even pretend to match tonight. Coordinate, maybe, but "coordination" isn't really good enough when Seacrest is dressed like Regis Philbin and Paula is threatening to burger-nap everyone's dinner. Since you can do whatever the fuck you please with jazz standards, Blake obviously chose to sing this song with as few strobe lights and robot voices as possible. I was a little disappointed, of course, but I'm fairly certain that he was born in 2056 and has come back to our comparatively primitive era to teach us about music, and if future Americans still respect these oft-crooned musical gems enough to not tamper with them, then so must we.
2. Phil "Night & Day"
Phil unnerves me lately. Sure, he looks like a physical collaboration between Vince Vaugn, Billy Zane, and Sadako of and the Thousand Paper Cranes, but he's actually sounded very good the past two weeks. Stop singing well so I can start hating all of you again, Mr. Stacey. At least I can rest assured that he cares about this talent show more than his most recently born child.
3. Melinda "I Got Rhythm"
A couple of days ago I was on the phone with my mom, and we were talking about Idol, obviously, and she was like, "That Melinda has such a weird face! She looks like a gorilla. She looks like Magilla Gorilla's girlfriend. They should call her Melinda Gorilla," and I was just like, "Oh, Haley" (that's what I call her it's not her name, but actually, what I call my mom is really none of anybody's business) "that is perhaps the most racist thing I've ever heard you say." My mom is apparently the kind of person who would actually try to take back the term "porch monkey." P.S. Melinda was awesome and her dress was really cute.
4. Chris "Don't Get Around Much Anymore"
TimberFAKE, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways: 1) I loveth the way thou appeareth on stage, striking a silly pose against a blinding flash of white light. 2) I loveth the way thou alloweth thine suspender straps to hang, useless, across thine pert buttocks. 3) I loveth the way thou cannotst actually singeth very well, but how thou hast captured mine heart despite it. 4) I loveth the way thou makest out with me in mine fantasies, then pauseth to grabeth for me another beer from the frige, then resumeth of the making out once I have taken two or three swigs. 5) I loveth the way thou wilt surely asketh me to marry thee someday. Please.
5. Jordin "On a Clear Day"
I think Jordin is great and I want to invite her to hang out at my secret club house so we can talk about boys and take quizzes in Seventeen and eat Cheetos and say, "Oh, these Cheetos are going to make me sooo fat!" but know that we don't really care. The judges talked a little bit of smack about how it wasn't as extra-super-awesome and new-fangled as TimberFAKE's song, but unless you're willing to make your voice all silly and half-pretend to be Michael Jackson, it's kind of hard to make a jazz standard all "current" in a way that won't cause the judges to berate you for fucking it up. I think Jordin is going to win this whole thing, and I say that with complete confidence in the knowledge that I will never vote for her or anyone else.
6. Gina "Smile"
Tony Bennett was all, "This song reminds me of 9/11, because I like to mention national disasters for no apparent reason because I'm 80," and I was like, "I guess that's fine, Mr. Bennett. Thanks for totally ruining the mood." Gina sang very prettily tonight. Honestly, I think these slow, emotional songs are better suited to her voice than the "rocker" malarkey Simon would prefer her to sing, but it's not up to me, I guess. Once again she looks like she stole her outfit from the rejected costume bin on the set of The Craft, and once again I wish she realized what size she actually wears. Stop sausaging yourself into clothes, Gina baby. You're prettier than that.
7. Sanjaya "Dancing Cheek to Cheek"
Sure, Sanjaya's suit was too big for him and of a stupid color, and sure his hair was smoothed down with enough oil to keep my car's engine functioning properly for the next 3,000 miles, but don't you think it's kind of wonderful that the judges have officially washed their hands of this kid? Sanjaya has some sort of genius ulterior motive, and when his plan finally comes to fruition, one of two things will occur: the Apocalypse as foretold in the Book of Revelations or global thermonuclear war. In the case of the latter, it will become apparent that Sanjaya has merely accidentally begun said war while playing what he thought was a game on his 1987 desktop, and the only way to stop the bombs from detonating is to make it to the Finals of American Idol. Also, even if you hate him, you have to admit that it was pretty adorable when he started dancing with Paula.
8. Haley "Ain't Misbehavin'"
I'm so sorry for Butterface. She knows that the only way she can stay afloat in this competition is to act like a lounge singer. She's prostituting herself for votes. It's not worth it, kid. You seem like good people. Put away the top half of your mermaid costume and retire to the loving arms of your fiance. Get out of here before you resort to performing a striptease on stage while singing "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road."
9. LaKisha "Stormy Weather"
Lalalalalala Boob-sha sang pretty awesomely. The LaKisha I fell in love with five weeks ago is back, having apparently sent her far more boring, bling-mongering doppleganger off to get a breast reduction or cosmetic dentistry or a better haircut.
Who do I hope will go home? Haley, for her own good.
Who do I think will go home? Again, hopefully Haley, but you never know. It could be Sanjaya? Phil? These predictions are getting tough.