The Drunken Blog

The first tailgate of each summer really reminds you of what summer is all about, and that’s drinking beers, grilling up burgers, and hitting on 17 year old girls in the parking lot of RFK.

Hell, it’s because of tailgating with friends that I am going to endure 6 country music shows this summer.

This past week was the home opener for the Nationals, unfortunately, I was out of town for the game, not that I would have gone anyway. I’m not a fan of crowded stadiums for baseball, I prefer there to be plenty of extra seats so that I can go and sit wherever I want. I also prefer the games to be sparsely populated so that I can tailgate until the 7th inning, and then waltz in and still find a seat.

That was going to be the plan last night. It was such an awesome day out I thought it would be perfect for a baseball game. Luckily, somebody other than myself also thought it would be a great day for it and organized a little outing. There were only four of us total, all guys.

I got there at 6:30, the game didn’t actually start until 7:05, everybody else was already there and there were already burgers on the grill. By the way, I have to say that one of the best feelings in the world is walking up to your friends in a parking lot, smelling burgers, and being handed a beer. Awesome.

I had some catching up to do when I got there, I’m not sure if I caught up or not because I have no clue how much they drank before I was there, but I did drink my fair share of a 30 pack. Since this game was not the home opener, but the game after the home opener, we thought it would be fitting to bring a whiffle ball set.

There was a group of people next to us that was probably slightly older than us. Since there were girls in that group, and only sausage in ours, we attempted to merge the groups; however, they would have none of it, and politely told us to get lost. It was not really that big of a loss because there were only two girls in the group (of about 8 total) and they were not that attractive, even being about 7 beers in. Taking our somewhat rejection in stride, we decide to start playing whiffle ball. And when I say that we started playing whiffle ball, what I really mean is we started hitting the whiffle ball at them.

They actually didn’t seem to mind, or if they did, they hid it very well. Not surprisingly they left shortly thereafter. We now did not even have ugly girls to stare at, only ourselves. Not to be discouraged, we decided to venture out and see who would play whiffle ball with us. We took the remaining part of our case and ventured out.

We stopped in a clearing and noticed a car of people; there were about 6 girls and 2 guys, the kind of odds that we like. Not only that, but at least 2 of the girls are hot, the others aren’t ugly. We cajole them into playing with us. At first some of the girls are reticent, but a couple of them are gung-ho. Because some of them were so excited to play, the guys had to be excited, or risk losing part of their herd.

These girls were very friendly, probably because they were trashed. It was funny to watch, actually. The guys were just douches. Somehow the question about age game up. I would normally tell girls that I am 26, but this was a special circumstance because this group was still in high school. The hot girls were not even 18 yet. In this circumstance you don’t lie about your age, you just don’t tell them your age.

They guessed that we were sophomores in college, we didn’t affirm that, but we didn’t deny it either. Anyway, after I found out they were only 17 I realized why the guys were being such douches, and I also realized why the girls were being so friendly. The girls were being friendly because they don’t know how to handle their alcohol, and also since we are in college, we are super cool cats. The guys were being douches because they also can’t handle their alcohol, and because we are super cool cats, they were afraid that they would lose their girls.

We finished our “game” of whiffle ball and headed back to our car. We quickly discovered that we were out of beer. This was unfortunate, however, the group we just left had beer, so we made an about face and went to go get beer from underage kids. We rationalized that by drinking their beers, we would actually be doing the opposite of contributing to the delinquency of minors. In fact, drinking underage kids’ beer should be a sort of community service that you can do. Think about the logic here, if you give beer to them, you are doing a bad thing in the eyes of the law. Therefore, if you do the opposite, take beer from them, you must be doing a good thing. I’m sure the judge would see it the same way.

They had Natty Light, which sucks, but when you don’t have anything else, you have to make due. So we rolled up and told them we wanted their beer. The two guys then had the audacity to try and charge us for the beer. $6 for the 12 beers they had left. We quickly found out that they didn’t even have 12 beers, they only had 8. We told them to fuck off and we would rather go inside and pay $6 per beer at the stadium than pay them for their beer. They then said if we had any pot they would barter with us. We walked back to our car.

Having run out of beer we decided that we actually did not want to pay $6 per beer inside the stadium, so we decided to leave. On the way out we drove past the kids again to wish them a fond adieu. The two attractive girls came up to the car with beer in hand. They tried to get us to stay. We told the girls that we wanted their beer, whoever was in the front seat then sort of gently took the beer from one of the girls. The other girl told her to give it to us, assuming he was only going to take a sip. As soon as we had the beer in our possession, we drove away.

I almost feel bad, I mean those kids probably paid $20 for a 12 pack, but it was still funny as hell.