Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
April 5, 2007
Ugh. Earlier today I was making this lawyer eat a live bald eagle with his bare hands, and I totally zoned out because I couldn't remember if I fed my cat. You ever do that, where like, you know you did it, but you don't know, and you can't relax until you check? I mostly do it with Boots because I don't have too much else to remember. Like, I always leave the oven on, and who cares?
I kind of want to add another prong onto my trident. But then is it still a trident? Is there such a thing as a Quadent? I guess it'd pretty much be a fork. Imagine what you could eat with a fork that big? I'm such a little piggy, I need to stop thinking about food all the time.
I'm tired of heavy metal bands claiming to be Satanists and using all those "Hail Satan" hand signs. I don't even like that stuff. When I listen to something, I want to be able to hum it and tap my feet. I like the Barenaked Ladies. Chickity china, the Chinese chicken, you have drumstick and your brain stops tickin'. Watchin' crocodiles with a crouton, or whatever the next line is. That song's so good, it's the only thing I'm going to play over the PA system for the next 400 years.
Thought of the funniest thing today: Hitler in a yarmulke! How funny would that be?! I think I'll have one nailed to his skull with twelve inch needles.
Lately I've been looking at old pictures and getting really nostalgic. I was the highest of all angels you know, before and everyone looks so happy in the pictures. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it. Just looking at them made me cry worms. People smile for pictures so when you look back, you only remember the smiles. That's a really good idea for a song. I'll brb.
I tried writing that song on my clarinet but it sucked and I got bored. You know what the worst character in the history of movies is? The fourth Ghostbuster, the black guy. What is he doing in the movie? He doesn't do or say a single interesting thing. Wasn't he in Congo too? I produced that movie, you'd think I would remember. You know what, I'll probably just kill him, and maybe his family too. I'm a little swamped right now but like in a few days, I'll give him leukemia. No, rickets. Is that still deadly? Was it ever? I could really go for a Nilla Wafer.
One last thing: I finally got around to reading The DaVinci Code. Meh
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.