Well, spring break is over, and now it's back to school and, unfortunately, term papers. Now, I'm sort of an expert at writing bad papers, seeing as most of the papers I write are terrible. That being said, here's what not to do when writing a paper.

1. Don't photocopy a chapter out of Moby Dick. It seems that most professors are familiar with the works of Herman Melville or, at the very least, papers that start with "Call me Ishmael." I recommend a less well known book, especially one that is not a work of fiction. Try something related to the class.

2. Don't smear blood on your paper. You would think that your professor would be reluctant to fail someone they suspect of being psychotic, but apparently they just consider it bad form, as well as hard to read.

3. Don't say anything blatantly offensive. Though many things can be protected under free speech, things like "We should make all orphans into sex slaves" makes you look sick and doesn't really have anything to do with your physics final.

4. Don't attach a $5 bill to your paper. Try, like, a 20, you cheap asshole.

5. Don't turn in a ransom note. You will probably get arrested for kidnapping, and that will only be made worse when they find the orphans chained up in your basement. And why would you do that, anyways?