Lets be honest, if you own a computer, you’ve wasted hours of your life reading the away messages of your friends, ex’s, friends ex’s, kids you went to high school with but never really talked to, and the girl from freshmen year bio class who you used to copy your homework off of.If their name is on your buddy list, odds are you check it close to a dozen times a day.
I’ve done a complete and very thorough analysis of the different types of away messages, and what they reveal about the individual to whom they belong.The following are my oh-so scientific results:
Type A: Obscure quote away message
Stats:Often appear as Counting Crows songs, or any other mildly depressing lyrics, occasionally are unrecognizable as anything other than suppressed emotions.
Reveals:The person is trying to either capture the attention of an ex lover, or cultivate a new romance, and their hope is that the intended target will read their away message, decipher its hidden message and act upon it.(break up, get back together, quickie in the study lounge, etc.)
Prescription:Be more straightforward and tell me what the hell you mean.
Type B:Funny random fact/quip
Stats:Not unlike the old school Jack Handy deep thoughts, these are often so random that they can be taken as nothing other than humor.
Reveals:The person has either come up with something on their own and has been unable to subtly introduce it into conversation, or has heard something funny from an associate and is hoping to take credit for it by regurgitating it to a new audience, his online friends.
Prescription:Be more original or give credit when credit is due.
Type C:Productive away message
Stats:This merely indicates the person’s intention when they put their away message up originally.This rarely is accurate.
Reveals:The person is ambitious and hopes that by putting up “At the gym” or something along those lines that they’ll guilt themselves into spinning off the drunken 2:30 burrito that she ordered.
Prescription: Subscribe to Kanye’s workout plan.
Type D: Informative away message
Stats:Tells you what the person is doing, or where they are, and nothing else useful.Often includes ‘…’ or their phone number.
Reveals:Person is bland and uncreative and I no longer want to check their away messages.Generally indicates they are bored and lonely, not just at the time, but in life.
Prescription:Get drunk before putting your away messages up, they’ll be more entertaining.Actually, just get drunk more often period, it makes for good stories.
Yeah, I basically made fun of each type of away message and you’re probably wondering “Aren’t there any away messages I can put up that don’t reveal I’m a loser?”The answer, naturally there are. Anything Chuck Norris related is acceptable.Links to things I’ll enjoy are acceptable, because if I can’t get a hold of you, I might as well get something out of checking your away message.Useful information such as homework answers, easy girls’ phone numbers, or today’s local bar specials are also acceptable.