1 – Oh man, I have such a headache. Should not have had those shots of Jager last night. Just a few of these should do it. Why is there all this f*cking cotton here?! Get out of here! Isn't there some horribly racist joke about this stuff? No time for that now, gotta get rid of this hangover.

2 – Ahh, ok, here we go, feelin' good now. What's the recommended dosage again? Two tablets every four to six hours? F*ck that, I got some real pain here. "If you consume 3 or more alcoholic drinks every day blah blah blah…stomach bleeding…" that would suck pretty bad. Oh well, better not take too many of these.

3 – F*ck this stuff, it's not doing anything. Better take some more. Maybe if I wash it down with some Natty it'll help, I heard somewhere that it makes the blood vessels more responsive or some sh*t like that. This doesn't taste half bad, it's got like some candy coating on it or something. Ok, here we go, down the hatch!

4 – Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa maaaaaaaaan, I am…thinking…like…that I'm feeling…me. It's like I'm here, but…not. It's like, I'm WATCHING myself, like, here, but…wow, my headache, like if it was a sentence…there's a period at the end of it now. Or like an exclamation mark. Mark…Mark…I'll call my buddy Mark, see if he wants to hit up some of this stuff…f*ck, I think I feel my stomach leaking or something. Ughhh, better pop some of these bad boys in there to quench the fire. Fire…fire…what if I like, smoked this stuff…that'd be…good…sh*t…yea…

5Barely audible sounds of body convulsing and mouth foaming.

This is modeled off of the very talented Sarah Schneider's Dorito article