This is the fucking 24 episode we’ve been waiting for! More ass gets kicked this hour than the whole season so far (and part of last season) put together. If you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading now. I’m totally fucking serious, find somebody with DVR or TiVo and do whatever it takes to watch this hour. I don’t care if you have to have sex you’re going to regret for the rest of your life in order to see it. Seriously, I don’t.

The asskicking begins in the bunker, where President Palmer launches a nuke at the generic Muslim nation and coolly waits for them to call and beg to not be incinerated. When the phone rings, well guess what, the Arabs just arrested General Habib, Fayed’s boss, and have started interrogating him.
Palmer lets them dangle for a moment before aborting the nuke about a minute from impact. As if Lennox isn’t blown away enough at the balls on this guy, Palmer drops another bomb on him: the nuke wasn’t even armed, it was a bluff. Face it Lennox, he’s hot cuz he’s fly, you ain’t cuz you not.

Back in LA, Jack and Doyle interrogate Fayed in a broom closet with the old “bad cop – bad cop” routine, but it’s going nowhere. Fayed plays pretty tough, taunting Jack with lines like, “Are you having fun yet?”, but Jack actually gets a concerned look out of Fayed when he recommends going back to CTU to break out the pharmaceutical kit and quips, “Now we’re gonna have some fun.” During transport back to CTU, however, a Brink’s truck comes out of nowhere and knocks the Jackmobile on its side, and Muslims come out firing. Jack and Doyle try to get Fayed out, and take down a couple of shooters, but both get shot down and Fayed gets rescued, with the Brink’s speeding off into the night… or so it would appear! The whole thing was a ruse to get Fayed to take them to the nukes, as Jack was pretty sure Fayed would never break. Jack and Doyle get up and pursue Fayed’s new “friends”, yet another CTU team in disguise.
Icing on the cake is that Nadia displays an ounce of concern for Doyle getting nicked up, which sends Milo into such a bitchy tizzy that he coughs up some of his extra chromosomes. Basically, we’re being set up for Day 7 with Nadia in charge of CTU and Doyle heading up field ops. Yes, we all miss Curtis Manning.

Anyway, the problem with CTU’s chicanery here is that Fayed’s evil, not stupid, and he won’t rendezvous with the nukes until he gets (1) a loaded gun (dude, never hand a terrorist a loaded gun, give him the one with the blanks, everyone with a TV knows that) and (2) a phone call from Habib. Apparently as a result of Palmer’s subtle idea to threaten to kill his family (welcome back, Wayne), Habib calls Fayed and tells him to go to the nukes, and it looks like Fayed is buying it. However, Nadia, in a rare display of doing something at work besides being hit on, catches that Habib mentioned another guy who’s been dead for a couple years as if he’s alive, and thinks it’s a tipoff. Jack gets word of this to the team driving Fayed around, but it’s too late. Fayed kills them all, plus a garbageman, and escapes for real in the trash truck. Jack, however, caught up with Fayed just in time to hide under the truck and hitch a ride Cape Fear-style.

As Fayed arrives at Allah’s warehouse, the remaining terrorists get started on what should realistically have been their plan in the first place, blowing the shit out of downtown LA. Jack, having none of it, breaks one dude’s neck and has just enough bullets to kill every terrorist in the joint except Fayed, so they bust it up hand-to-hand. After smacking Fayed with a bigass wrench and getting stomped on a couple of times, Jack finally gets a hold of one of those big chains that are always randomly hanging around in places like this, wraps it around Fayed’s neck and hands, and hits the “choke Muslim to death” button on the control thing – but only after whispering to Fayed, “Say hello to your brother.” Doyle sums it all up as he shows up and looks over the carnage, including Fayed’s dead ass: “Damn, Jack.” Again, a perfect death from a great show at its best.

In the aftermath, Jack gets a call routed through CTU… from Audrey, who is alive and in the hands of the Chinese asshole that used to torture Jack, Cheng Zhi! The Chinese look like they want to trade Audrey for something, and all kinds of shit is hitting many fans at once. In some ways, this season has just begun.

Proposed Kimeo: Kim, drunk and disorderly in a Cabo
jail cell, ruins any potential “Caged Heat” scenario by noisily demanding her cell phone, a fish taco, to speak the embassy, American Idol results, etc., so thoroughly annoying the local constabulary that they call a cab to pick her up and dump her off at the airport just so they don’t have to deal with her bullshit. They definitely could have stuck this in instead of Palmer and Lennox hugging it out.